


No one should flicker out

by protectmichaelmell240



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: F/F, F/M, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Larry is a jerk just sayin, M/M, Prom, a bit of fluff too though don't worry, evan is a bean and just doesn't understand, first fic, i hate myself for this lord help me, please be nice I'm sensitive, see notes for TW, this is probably really bad but here it goes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-05
Updated: 2017-12-23
Packaged: 2018-12-24 09:07:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 33,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12009546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/protectmichaelmell240/pseuds/protectmichaelmell240
Summary: Connor was trying to get better. He was on medication, despite Larry's protests and was actually starting to apply himself in school. Prom was coming up, and Connor decides to ask his best and truest friend.Evan was just asked to prom. But not by who he really wanted to go with. He says yes anyway to be polite.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello there beautiful people!! Before you keep reading, I have quite a few things I'd like to say. PLEASE DO NOT SKIP OVER THIS. Do not, I repeat, do NOT read this fic if any of the following you can not handle/ don't like to read.  
> 1) rape  
> 2) swearing  
> 3) blood  
> 4) self harm  
> 5) child abuse/ abuse in general  
> 6) homophobia  
> 7) talk of drug use  
> 8) talk of sex  
> Thank you for reading this, I hope it's enjoyable or good at least. Probs not but idk I'm nervous for school tomorrow so it's not my best work. Oh yes school starts tomorrow and this is what I'm doing instead of preparing.

7:00 am on May first was the start of the worst time of the year. Prom season. I already knew how this would end. I would stay at home, watching movies or asleep while everyone else was dancing the night away, at the school. No one was going to ask me, and I sure as hell wasn't going to ask anyone, so it was already settled

I slid myself off of the bed and stretched my back, hearing a satisfying  _pop_ as I cracked my spine. Then, I walked slowly down the creaking stairs into the kitchen, where Cynthia was cooking something inedible for breakfast.

I fell into my chair and put my head in my hands, still not entirely awake. I peeked between my fingers and saw that Zoe was already eating her food silently.

A plate of hot food was put in front of me by Cynthia. It was yellow and mushy. Probably some type of egg bake or something. Knowing that if I didn't eat this, I wouldn't eat, I took a few bites. Yes, it was gross and had some weird aftertaste, but it was better than nothing.

After the disgusting experience that was breakfast, I quickly went back up the stairs and into my room, where I closed the door a little louder than I meant to. Guess I'm still not used to closing doors quietly instead of slamming them. I'd work on it.

The outfit of the day was already laying on the dresser, where I had put it last night. Black skinny jeans, a light grey tank top, and my black hoodie. I pulled the jeans on, then the tank top, then the hoodie and I went into the bathroom. My meds sat on the sink, waiting for me to take them. There were 3 small pills that I took every morning. I dry swallowed them, knowing that I would be late if I took much more time.

I brushed my teeth and hair, then walked back down the stairs. My backpack was waiting, slung across a chair in the dining room. Zoe stood at the door, waiting for me to go with her. We made it a daily routine to walk to school together. I slipped on my worn out sneakers, and we  were off to school.

The walk usually took around ten minutes, but sometimes we stopped and picked wildflowers off the ground. Today was not one of those days, because we were running late. 

I took a water bottle out of my bag as we walked and started to take a sip.

"So Connor, when are you going to ask Evan to prom?" 

I nearly choked on the water and almost had to spit it out. "What? I wasn't planning on asking him."

Zoe hit my shoulder. "Come on, Connor," she groaned. " _Anyone_ can see that you guys like each other, except you two. Just ask him. The worst he could say is no."

Yeah, right. Evan? Liking me? That's a long shot.

"No, Zoe I'm not going to ask him. That's final," I huffed, crossing my arms.

We arrived at the school. As I was about to walk away from Zoe, she grabbed my shoulder. I flinched. She looked at me in confusion.

"You alright?" She asked, removing her hand.

"Yea, yea I'm fine. Just wasn't expecting you to touch my shoulder," I lied. Of course I had to lie, she couldn't know that I thought someone was trying to hurt me.

"If you say so.." she trailed off. "Anyway, if you don't ask Evan to prom by the end of this week, I'm going to tell dad that instead of joining a sport like you told him, you just go to Evans's house twice a week."

I stopped. She couldn't do that. She didn't know how much pain that would cause me, but still. 

I felt pressure building up in my body. I touched my forearms, lightly scratching the scars through my hoodie. I was not going to have an outburst here, I was not-

"What the hell, Zoe! You can't just do that! God, why would you even try to do that?" I yelled at her. She backed away and was flat against the lockers.

I scratched my arms over and over, harder and harder. I knew some were bleeding already. Walking towards her, I couldn't tell what I was doing until I felt my hand slam into the locker next to her face. Looking right into her eyes, there was fear. She was afraid of me.

I felt someone lightly touch my shoulder. I flinched again and spun around angrily. Then I looked into a familiar face, and thank god it was him. I was staring right at Evan.

"Jesus, Connor. What are you trying to do, kill your sister?" Kleinman asked behind him.

Great. Fucking Kleinman was there to witness the whole thing. What a nightmare.

"Jared, please. Now is n-not the time," Evan said softly, looking behind his shoulder at Jared.

Jared realized his mistake then, and sheepishly walked away. Leaving Evan with me.

I turned to Zoe. "Fuck Zo I'm sorry-"

She scrambled away from the lockers, looking at me. "No- no it's okay. You're trying, and that's what matters. You're still going to have outbursts, and I'll forgive you for them. I think I'll just- head to class now though."

Then it was really just me and Evan after she left.

"Here, let's go to the bathroom and get you cleaned up," Evan said, taking my hand. He led me to a deserted boys bathroom. I stood there as he carefully removed my hoodie.

"I'm sorry," I whispered to him. It felt like the right thing to say after what happened.

Evan took my hands and ran them under the faucet, gently rubbing them to remove the blood. He hesitated before talking. 

"Connor. You have absolutely nothing to apologize for. You're going to have bad days, and you're going to have good days. Today might not have started out good, but it can get better. Things can improve. All you can do is try your best to improve them," he looked at me and studied my arms.

Once he deemed them well enough, he led me to the wall, away from the sink, and held me.

"Thank you so much. For everything," I said into his shoulder.

He shushed me and kept cradling me in his arms. Time passed by, and I wasn't sure how much. I didn't really care, either.

Just to get Zoe off of my back about asking him, I took a deep breath and leaned away from Evan.

"Evan?" I whispered his name. I could just say his name forever. It's beautiful.

"Yea?" He whispered back. 

I walked away from him. "I have to ask you something." 

Here goes nothing. He nods, understanding. Telling me to ask him.

I took a shaky breath.  _The worst he can say is no. The worst he can say is no. The worst he can say is_

"Will you go to-to prom with me?" There. It was put out there. No going back now.

The way he hesitated made my stomach churn. I couldn't do this, of course he wouldn't say yes by why didn't he just refuse already? Why didn't he walk away and call me a freak? 

"Oh Connor," he said, with pitiful eyes, and a sad smile. "I'm so sorry. I totally would go with you."

He paused. Maybe he is saying yes?

"But I already have a date."

 


	2. Chapter 2- Evan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Basically the same day but Evan's POV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again!! I know that I literally JUST uploaded a few hours ago, but let me just say. Over 100 hits?? 10 kudos?? It might not seem like much compared to other stories, but seriously it means so much to me. Thank you all!! I was just bored and still nervous for school tomorrow (I'm start in high school help me) and I guess this sort of just calms me down. Anyway, still the same TW stuff. Do not read if you can not handle any of the topics mentioned in my notes in chapter 1. It may not seem like it yet, but it will have a lot of angst.

Waking up at 7:00 am on May first was no different than any other day. But then again, why would it be? What's different about today than any other day? There's still school, still homework, still in love with my best friend.

I didn't use the word crush, because a crush is not knowing the person well enough to be in love. A crush is when someone thinks another person is cute. Well, I don't think Connor is cute. I think he's absolutely stunning. I know him like I know trees. And I'm sort of a tree expert, not to brag or anything.

Then again, Connor doesn't like me back. He just doesn't. Sure, he's gay, but there are tons of gay men out there. Loads of people that would be willing to date Connor. I'm just one of them. Except, I wouldn't want to ruin our friendship after all that's happened that's not what I would be trying to do at all I swear I just think he's the best person in the whole universe and that's saying a lot because there are around seven billion people here and-

_Breathe, Evan, breathe,_ I thought to myself.

I sat up in bed and swung my feet over the side, slowly standing up. My stomach growled. I suppose that's what I get for not ordering food last night and not making anything. I pulled on the usual polo shirt and khaki pants and headed downstairs. 

When I entered the kitchen, the note was there, like it always is, with twenty dollars next to it. Mom wouldn't be happy if I didn't eat another night, maybe I'll just do it later. I'll just order the food and make mom happy and have a panic attack while waiting for the delivery guy or girl.

I went to the pantry and looked at what there was to eat. Cereal?  _No, we don't have milk. Maybe just some toast instead._

And so I settled for toast. Just dry toast, no butter or anything. Butter got all runny and gross and so did peanut butter. So that rules those two out. We didn't have jelly or anything and I wasn't going to put much time into breakfast. So dry toast it is. 

As I finished my meal, I heard my phone ding. 

_Mom: have a good day, sweetie!! See you at home!_

_Me: thanks mom_

I don't think I could live without my mom. She does so much for me, and I always appreciate it.

When I realized I was running late, I sprinted up the stairs and brushed my teeth. I took my meds. Then I slung my backpack over my shoulder just as I heard the familiar car horn. 

I opened the front door and heard Jared's usual shout of "Get in, loser!" 

So I did. And we were off to school. Jared played his trash music, Beyoncè or whatever pop he liked to listen to. Everything was okay.

"So, you gonna ask Murphy to prom, or what?" Jared casually asked. 

I stared at him, dumbfounded. "Are you  _insane?"_  

He laughed. "Dude, anyone with eyes can tell that you like each other. Plus, it's prom season. And I want to see you wear a dress."

I gripped the door handle so tight my knuckles turned white. "A) Connor doesn't like me. B) I would not wear a dress. And C) I wasn't planning on even going to prom!"

"Hey, if you're not wearing a dress, then Murphy will, and I'd pay to see that," Jared laughed so hard, he almost missed the turn for the school.

With a loud screech, we were in the parking lot. Hopefully this day wouldn't be too bad. 

I slammed the door to the car shut, but when I turned around, I was greeted with red.

Someone shoved roses in my face. At least it smelled good?

"Whoops, sorry," someone said.

When the flowers were removed from my face, I saw the person who was holding them. A guy named Eli, who I recognized from history. He's also on the football team.

He held a sign. It read;  _Evan. Prom with me?_

Simple, but still a cute idea. Not a stunning idea, but cute. A crowd was forming. Eli would be embarrassed if I said no, but if I said yes then I couldn't go with Connor. I saw Jared in the back of the crowd, smirking

"Evan, would you like to go to prom with me?" He asked.

Is this kid even gay? Well, I guess I've got nothing to lose.

"Um. Sure," I said.

He hugged me. "Thank you thank you thank you!" 

"You're.. Welcome?" If this was any more awkward, I think I'd flee. But I stayed. The crowd cheered.

When the crowd cleared away, I had gotten Eli's number, and Jared stood there with his usual smirk.

"Well well well, look at you go. All of the boys want to go to prom with you," he teased.

"Let's just go to class," I sighed.

When we walked into the building, I wasn't expecting to see Connor cornering Zoe against a locker, fist next to her face, scratching his scars. So I went over and lightly touched his shoulder. He still flinched. Connor spun around so fast, I almost got vertigo. After an offhand comment from Jared, we went to the bathroom.

I got him cleaned up, and comforted him. When he pulled away from me, I knew something was coming. He was biting his lip like he does when he gets nervous.

"Can I ask you something?" He asked.

I would've said "technically you just did," but this wasn't really time to joke. I nodded slightly, telling him to keep going.

"Will you go to- to prom with me?" He asked, voice quivering a little.

Oh no. No, this couldn't be happening. Did he like me? Probably not, he's probably just asking in a platonic way. His eyes drooped. I couldn't just tell Eli that I suddenly couldn't go, that would be rude. So I had to let Connor down. Surely, he'd understand, right?

"Connor I totally would,' I paused. How do I even phrase this? 

"But I already have a date."

Connor's whole body sort of just slumped, like he was disappointed.

"I'm sorry, I'd love to go with you, you know that but-"

"Don't apologize, it's alright," Connor said with a fake smile. He was pretending to be happy for me.

"But-"

"No, really, Evan. I hope you have fun," Connor said. 

Then he walked right out of the bathroom. And I sat in the middle of the floor, a few tears slipping out of my eyes.

_I wish he knew how much I want to go with him._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaannndd there's chapter 2!! I hope you all relatively enjoyed this. Also, I don't have a set updating schedule but I think maybe once a week? Like Saturdays? Would that be good?? I quite honestly don't know. Comments make my day!! Constructive criticism is allowed but as long as it's constructive and not just criticism.
> 
> Love and trust from the earth's crust <33  
>  Sincerely,  
>  PMM240


	3. Chapter 3- Connor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What comes next after Connor flees the bathroom?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello amazing wonderful people!! I honestly can't believe this like??? Over 300 hits?? Almost 30 kudos?? Thank you guys sooooo much for all of this. It makes my day. Also, this chapter will be a little (maybe more than a little) angst filled. Just letting you know. Also I know quality over quantity and all of that, but I'm going to try to spend at least an hour working on every chapter instead of just putting trash up here. Y'all deserve more than that, so I'll try my best :)

Sometimes, things just don't work out the way someone plans. Sometimes, things happen that make someone cry. And sometimes, things happen that makes someone want to kick, scream, and punch the wall. 

This was definitely one of those times.

So, as I slipped out of the bathroom door, I didn't think. I just ran away. Away from school. Away from stress. Away from Evan. 

Since the car was at home I had to run all the way there to go get it. I just needed to escape. To get away. I didn't care where, and I definitely didn't care how far, just as long as it wasn't here. 

I sprinted up the short driveway, punched the code to the garage, and stood there angrily until the door opened. The car was sitting in it's usual spot. I nearly tore open the divers side door and slammed it as hard as I could. My hands were shaking.

The set of spare keys I had was in my pocket, and as I reached to grab them, the passenger door side opened.

Of course it would be fucking Zoe. Of fucking course.

She got in and gently closed the door behind her. For awhile, we just sat in silence. Then I had to ruin it all.

"You should go," I fit the key into the ignition.

"I'm not going anywhere, Connor. I'm trying to help you," she was out of breath.

"Did you run here all the way from school?" I asked her.

"Yea. But so did you," she made an accusing gesture.

"I had adrenaline rushing through me. It doesn't count," my voice raised a little.

I didn't want to yell at Zoe. Trust me, I didn't. But I just got so agitated sometimes, by the smallest things. Then I snapped and ruined it all. That was how it worked. 

"Well Connor, I don't want to leave you alone, because you're clearly upset," she leaned her head against the glass and looked out the window.

I snorted. I couldn't help it. "What? Don't trust me? What do you think I'm gonna do, kill myself or something?" My voice raised a little more.

"At this point Connor," she said in a loud voice, not really yelling, just loud, "I don't know what you will or won't do. You could do anything. I'm not letting you do that."

"And what if I just wanted to go for a drive!" I yelled at her. She shrunk back.

"No, I'm sorry I just didn't want you to do anything stupid, I know sometimes things happen, and I wanted to help you," Zoe said quietly. She looked like she might cry.

"Don't you get it?" My voice was a low growl. It's almost as if it wasn't actually mine. "I can't be helped."

When she didn't say anything, I continued. "Zoe, I don't want you here. Not for reasons you think, I just- I just don't want to hurt you. I can't control myself sometimes, and I don't want to break your arm again."

She still didn't say anything.

"Well, fine if that's how you're gonna be, if you want to get hurt then you can just, I don't know, stay here!" I screamed.

I pushed my foot onto the gas. The car sped out of the driveway. I didn't know where I was going, but I felt my mind go fuzzy with anger. The spots in my vision were swarming, and I couldn't concentrate. Zoe was yelling something, I couldn't catch a word she was saying. I kept going and going and going, not caring how many laws I had broken, not caring what speed I was at, or how many red lights I ran. I didn't care I didn't care I didn't  _care._

The last thing I heard was a very loud clash of metal before everything turned black.

 

_"What's your brother's name?"_

_"Connor," a sniffle. "Connor Murphy."_

_"How fast was he going?"_

_"I don't know! 80 miles an hour, 90? I don't even care! Just let me_ see  _him!"_

_"Is there any way to contact your parents?"_

_"Here. Here is my mom's phone number. My dad won't care, don't bother to call him. Can I see my brother now?"_

_"Look, I would, but I have to call your parents. He needs surgery. That's why we brought him here. To the ER."_

_"What am I suppose to do, then? Sit and rot while my brother is in there, dying?"_

_"The waiting room. Sit there. Contact friends or whatever."_

 

 

It felt like I was drowning. Drowning in an ocean of ink. I could barely breathe, and there was a lot of pain in my leg. I couldn't tell which one, but it hurt. A lot. I was too tired to open my eyes, so I just did the only thing I could do. I slept.

 

The next thing I could hear was the steady  _beep, beep, beep_ , of a heart monitor. This time, I had enough strength to open my eyes. I was met with a bright white hospital room, which isn't too uncommon. My mother sat asleep next to the bed, no one else. I did fee like waking her, so I just sat still for awhile.

I tried to move my leg, but the first thing I noticed was a cast. Oh right. The car. I wrecked it. Dad will probably get a kick out of that.

Or I'll get a kick for doing that.

I huffed, apparently too loud for my mother, because she awoke with a start.

"Connor! Thank goodness you're awake! I'm so glad you're alright!" She jumped up from her chair and hugged me. I shrunk back because, ew, physical contact.

"What- what happened?" I asked. My voice was raspy.

"You broke your femur. I'm glad it wasn't something else, my god, you could have died!" She started crying. Of course she did.

"It's alright," I said, a little awkwardly. "I'm still alive."

"Yes! And you have a few visitors!" She said excitedly.

"Really?" I was shocked. Who would visit me?

"Yea! There's Zoe, Alana, Jared, and Evan! They've been here all night. They must really care about you."

I couldn't take in her words.

"E-Evan," I managed to choke out. "He's here?"

"Why wouldn't he be? He's your best friend! Here, I'll send him in," she got up and walked out before I could protest.

A few minutes later, I heard the door slowly open. I heard light footsteps. Evan's head popped out from behind the curtain.

He sheepishly walked towards the bed. His eyes were red and puffy. "H-hey, Connor."

I couldn't say anything. I was angry, but I wasn't about to yell at Evan. He didn't deserve that. Instead, I just turned away.

For the first time ever, I didn't want to talk to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's chapter 3!! Hope you relatively enjoyed this, like always. I love each and every one of you. Thanks so much for reading!! I'll try my best to have another chapter up soon!! (Also I might be a little evil because of this angst, but maybe you enjoyed it anyway!)
> 
> Trust and hope from the cantaloupes (I'm not good at this rhyming thing, am I?)  
> Sincerely,  
> PMM240


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The call came in study hall. Zoe doesn't usually call unless it's an emergency.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey again!! This has over 400 hits?? How is that?? Possible?? My writing literally sucks so much idk what y'all are still doing here but alrightie you can do as you please. Thanks for all the kudos and comments and hits!! I love them all!! Sorry for the angst in the last chapter, but there will be more this chapter, just so you know. Angst all around. Have a relatively good time reading this (I hope) like always!!

Slipping into class was a little harder than I thought it would be. The students, for one, were all staring, no doubt my eyes were red and puffy. The teacher tried not to stare, but ended up staring anyway. 

The worst of all, though, was that when I sat in my seat, my phone started to ring. At that moment, I was glad I switched it back to the normal ringtone, since before it was Defying Gravity from Wicked. That would've been quite a laugh for the class. 

As the phone was ringing, some people were checking their pockets, to see if it was their phone that was disrupting the class. They didn't know it was mine. They didn't need to know it was mine. Maybe if the phone stopped ringing, this would all blow over.

The person calling wasn't having it. They kept calling and calling. The teacher walked towards my desk. She knew it was my phone ringing. 

The color was gone from my face, hands clammy, and I was figiting too. When she approached my desk, I looked up at her.

"Mr. Hansen," she said strictly. She saw my eyes, and how bad they were, how red. And she decided to go easy on me. Normally, she would've taken the phone and answered it herself. "If you come into my class  _late_ , at least do it  _quietly_. If someone wishes to call during a time as important as class time, then we should all hear what they have to say. Answer the phone, please."

Slowly, carefully, I unzipped my backpack pocket where the ringing phone was sitting. When I read the caller ID, I wish I hadn't. 

It was Zoe. 

Zoe only ever called for two reasons. One, Connor wasn't able to get to his phone and asked for Zoe's phone, or two. Connor was in danger. The first was more likely, I prayed it wasn't the second one.

I touched my shaking, sweaty thumb to the screen and slid it across. The teacher wanted me to put it on speaker, so I did.

My hands trembled so much, I almost dropped the phone. I put it down on my desk and muttered a quick hello.

Zoe immediately started explaining. "Evan! Thank god you picked up your phone finally! You need to get down to the hospital, quick. Like really quick. Because Connor is going into surgery and I- there's really no time to explain right now. Please just get over here."

She hung up without waiting for an answer.

The teacher looked guilty for making me answer that in front of the class. So, I stood up, and practically ran out of the classroom. Into the crowded hallway. Not a good idea.

It was hard to maneuver around the students, but what was harder was that someone actually wanted to talk to me.

I felt an arm sling around my shoulder. "Hey babe!" I cringed at the nickname.

"H-hey," I tried to push his arm off my shoulder. He wouldn't move.

"So, I was thinkin," Eli stopped to wave at someone across the hallway. "Since we don't really know each other, how about a date? Tonight at six sound good?"

I was about to say no, I had plans, but he didn't give me time to reply. "Alright, I'll pick you up at your house. Don't worry, I can ask Kleinman for it. See you later!"

Eli ran off, probably to good around with some football friends. I wanted to groan in frustration, but then people would judge me and ask, "Why is this strange kid groaning to himself in the middle of the hallway, that's a little weird," and they'd all remember it forever and it would be so awkward and-

_Breathe,_ I thought to myself. 

_Connor's going into surgery. He's going into surgery and it could be fatal._

So I didn't breathe. Breathing is for the weak, and I suppose that was a bad phrase, because I am weak, but there really was no time to breathe if I wanted to get to Connor. So I sprinted out of the school, ignoring the hall monitors and everyone, and I just ran in the direction of the hospital.

I knew the way there. Mom used to bring me there on her shifts right after school ended, since I didn't like to take the bus. There were way too many kids crammed into there.

I knew very well how bad my feet would hurt because they were slamming hard into the pavement. I knew, that I would be gasping for air after I was done running. I knew that I might not make it in time. 

_Surgery. Connor. Fatal. Surgery. Surgery surgery surgery. ConnorsurgeryfatalConnorsurgeryfatal-_

My lungs were on fire when I turned the corner to the hospital. I let out a sigh of relief when I was finally there, because Connor is here, now I'm here. So I didn't care about the pain, or the gasping, or being on the verge of an asthma attack. Because those things don't matter when the person you love is in danger.

Everything else becomes insignificant. Except that one person, and their condition.

Some of the nurses knew me, they assumed I was there to see mom, but little did they know I was here for an important reason. Not that mom isn't important, it's just that if I come to the hospital it's usually because I have an appointment with doctor Sherman afterwards. Not this time, though.

The lady at the front desk didn't see me at first, and in that moment I was aware of everything wrong with me. My pulse pounded like a drum in a marching band. My ears rang so much I could barely hear what was going on around me. I probably smelled so bad. I was sweaty. I was shaking and gasping and crying. All at the same time.

Then I returned to the world of the living, just like that, within a minute or so. The lady still didn't look up. I had to clear my throat for her to notice me. 

She smiled up at me. "Visitor?" She asked, her voice sweet, but very fake.

I nodded furiously. "For C-Connor. Connor Murphy."

She smiled. "They just brought him in, you're in luck I don't have to search him on my computer," she fixed her crooked glasses, "he just went into surgery. Two people I think are waiting. The third floor, on the left. That's the waiting area, sweetie," then she looked back down at the screen.

___Okay you can do this, Evan. Third floor on the left. Simple directions. Only a minute or two and you can find out what happened._

The elevator was small and dusty, like usual. Nurses who looked familiar were all over, and thank goodness they didn't take notice of me. I didn't need another distraction.

When the elevator dinged, signaling me to go out, I lurched myself forwards and almost fell trying to get out. My head felt a little dizzy from all of that running, but I suppose I'd be fine.

_To the left._

And there they were. Cynthia and Zoe sat. Larry wasn't there, but no one expected him to be. Cynthia was asleep. I walked over and got the seat next to Zoe. She was almost asleep, so she didn't see me at first. 

She sat up rim rod straight. "Evan, you're here! Sorry for dozing off a little. Hospital waiting rooms are boring."

I put my hands in my lap and started fiddling with them. "That's alright. Is everything okay? What happened to Connor? He's going into surgery? Is he dead? Oh please say he's not dead, I don't think I could live with myself if that happened, I'm rambling again I'll just stop now, sorry."

Zoe laughed. For her brother being hospitalized, she sure seemed happy. "Evan, it's fine. Besides, Connor will be okay. Maybe I should've mentioned in the call that he broke his leg, he just had a shard of metal lodged in his thigh that they needed to surgically remove."

I let out a sigh of relief. "Thank goodness he's okay."

"I said the same exact thing."

\----------------------------------------------

Hours later, Connor was allowed visitors. When I checked my phone, it was 4:00. I needed to go soon. Even if I didn't like Eli, I couldn't miss our date. I wasn't  ~~~~ _that_ rude.

Cynthia went in first, of course, then she came back out. "Evan, he wants to see you," she said softly, taking her seat.

I shakily stood up. His room wasn't that far from the waiting room, so I didn't really have time to think  about what I wanted to say.

When I enetered the room I could already feel tension. Connor laid on the bed, silent. He didn't do anything.

"H-hey Connor," I gave a little wave and internally screamed. That was so stupid.

the chair next to the bed was empty, so I took a seat there. Connor turned away from me. He didn't feel like talking, maybe?

"If you don't feel like talking, maybe I can? I'll talk about my day, or something like that," I waited for a response, but none came. So I continued. "After I left the bathroom, I guess I wandered around a little. It was my free period. Then I had to go to English. Funny story, a-actually. I was late for English, and when I slid into my seat, my phone started to ring. It was r-really embarrassing. Turns out, it was Zoe. I'm glad I picked up the phone, or else I wouldn't know you were hurt. I had to a-answer it in front of the whole class, though."

He didn't show any emotion. His eyebrows furrowed.

"They- they all know I'm here?" His voice was raspy. Barely a whisper.

"I-I tried to stop it but the teacher-"

"Well shit. They probably know, don't they. Connor Murphy tries to kill himself, once again," he mocked. "Except he only succeeded in breaking his damn leg. What a failure. Another reason to call me a freak, right?" He yelled the last part.

I stared at him. I didn't know what to say. When I reached out for his hand, he moved away. "Don't fucking touch me, Hansen. Can't you see? I'm a monster," his voice broke.

I pulled the chair closer to the bed. "You're not a monster, Connor," I whispered. "You just need help. And Larry refuses to get you help."

He nodded. "It sucks. He- he threw out my pills-"

"He did  _what?_ " I squeaked.

"It's not a big deal. I lived without them before, I can do it again," he shrugged.

"But y-you shouldn't only have to live. You should be able to be happy. To more than just survive all the time," I grabbed his hand.

"Well, we can't always get what we want in life," Connor hissed, but he didn't pull his hand away from mine.

"This is more like a need than a want, though," I said.

"Larry doesn't think that. And until he does, this is how I have to live. Also, you have a boyfriend. You shouldn't be holding my hand," Connor said with a hint of emotion I couldn't specify.

"It was more of a comfort gesture," I whispered. It wasn't really. I just really wanted to hold his hand and make him feel better about everything. He deserved so much better than the life he has right now, but somehow he can't see that.

When I walked out of the room, it was five o'clock. So I rushed home.

I changed into a grey button down shirt, because I didn't know where we were going for our date, he just said he'd be here at 6.

When his car was outside my house, I walked out the door and got into the passenger side. Eli whistled. "Damn you look hot."

I didn't know if I exactly wanted to look "hot," but I went with it. "Thanks."

He took us to some weird burger joint, and I almost had a panic attack while ordering food. 

"And for you, sir?" The waitress asked politely.

"I-I um I'll-" my breathing became heavy. I evened it out. "I'll just have a garden salad, please."

When she walked away, Eli laughed. "What was that? It was funny, whatever it was."

That got on my nerves a little bit. But, maybe he really didn't know, so I'd give him another chance. Or two.

"I-it was a panic attack. I have social anxiety. It happened a lot."

He giggled. "It's literally just ordering off a menu. I don't see how that's hard to do."

Maybe one more chance.

When we were done, we each paid for our own meals. My salad was only five dollars, which was good. 

When we went back to the car, he got in first. Then I got in. "Hey, Evan," he purred. "My parents aren't home tonight, want to come over?"

I knew where this was heading, I wasn't stupid. "No, that's alright. I'm a little tired, I think I'll just go home."

He pouted a little, but started the car. After a little bit, I fell asleep.

\----------------------------------------------

When I woke up, Eli was shaking me awake. "Hey," he said. "You just fell asleep, so I came to my house because I figured you could just crash here."

How thoughtful. "Thanks," I whispered. Not like I meant it, though.

Eli led me into the house. It was big. He took my upstairs, to what I assumed was his room from the abundance of football posters hanging on the walls.

We both sat on the edge of the bed. Suddenly, I felt his lips against mine. They were chapped, and I tried to pull away, but he pushed me closer. I stayed stiff as a board. I didn't dare move. I didn't want this, this was not okay. Not okay not okay. 

Then I was under him. "Eli," I croaked. "I don't really think this is a good I-idea."

He snorted. "I think it's a great idea." He tried to kiss me again. I pushed his face away. 

"Come on, Evan. Don't be such a pussy. All couples do it in a healthy relationship. Plus, it would make me happy," he pinned my hands on either side of my head. I couldn't move. 

"So, Evan. Do you want to do it? I'll ask you one last time, but really, there is only one correct answer," he whispered sensually into my ear.

_Connor doesn't love you. He never has and he never will._

"S-sure."

I didn't want this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 4 is done!!! It probably sucks but school is ugh. It makes me tired and I have to get up at 5 AM every morning to make the bus. Not to mention homework. But here you guys go!! Hopefully it was relatively enjoyable (like I always say) and I'll try my best to update soon. I also still don't have an update schedule, but I said before, this is for my own fun, and I wouldn't follow it anyway. 
> 
> Hope and peace from the Christmas wreaths (I suck at rhymes too what a surprise)  
>  Sincerely,  
>  PMM240


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of last chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there wonderful people!!! If you're still reading this, you're probably wondering why would I put the children through so much. Well, it's because I don't have anything else to do besides make your lives miserable with angst. Thank you all for reading, I don't know why this has so many hits and kudos, but I love each and every one of you for them. It makes my day when I refresh my email and I get one that says "new comment," or "you've got kudos!" So thanks for that. Have fun reading!!

The few days in the hospital were pretty boring. Many doctors came and asked questions, all of which were uncomfortable and about how I crashed the car. Why I crashed the car. Zoe and Cynthia visited often, so did Evan. Larry only came once. When he came, it was only to scold me about how much money I cost him. Not that it matters, though. He could buy a new car easily. He didn't ask if I was okay, but he didn't really care. He never does, anymore.

But Alana, and even  _Jared,_ came to visit me more than Larry did.

Evan visited the most. He talked about his day, how it went, what he did.

Except something was off. He was more jumpy than usual, and would close up whenever I asked him certain questions. It wasn't like him. He wouldn't look me in the eye for more than a second.

Finally, I was discharged and got to go back to school. With crutches. What a joy. It made me happy that I could see Evan again outside of that stuffy, dusty room. It made me unhappy that he was avoiding me. Whenever he saw me in he hallway, he walked in the other direction. Most of the time, he was with Eli. He didn't look happy, even though he was smiling. 

Not going to lie, it hurt. A lot. I needed to figure out what I did, because whatever it was, it clearly made Evan upset. I probably said or did something stupid and insulting without realizing.

So, when you hurt someone, you apologize to them. That was what I planned on doing. At lunch. Today.

Evan sat at a table with Eli now, and all of his football friends. Jared and Alana were left in the dust. They sat at their own table, and didn't look happy. So I went to them first.

I hobbled over to the table where they were sitting, and sat down, leaning the crutches against the side of the table. I slid off my backpack. Alana was sitting next to me, Jared sat across the table.

"Dude, what the fuck did you do to Evan? He won't talk to me. He says he has new friends now or something, which is stupid," Jared said. He looked pissed. 

"That's what I'm trying to figure out. I think I did something, but I'm not sure what. I'm going to go apologize," I grumbled.

Alana took a bite of an apple. "Like, right now?"

"Yea, right now. When else? He avoids us like the plague. I think Eli is a bad influence for him," I said, getting up.

"Connor, that might not be the best idea, at least not now-"

"Shut up, Jared, before I change my mind," I growled. It sounded harsh. He put his hands up in defense. 

"Fine, but if you get your ass kicked im going to say I told you so."

I didn't listen to him. It was Evan, what could possibly happen? I stumbled over to the table, and Evan looked up at me. His eyes were... guilty? Sad? Annoyed? One of the three.

"H-hey Connor," he stuttered out. Since when did his stutter come back? He was doing better, it was gone for a few months.

"Evan, can I talk to you for a minute. It's important," I said. Eli looked up at me, he slid his hand around Evans's waist. Evan flinched at the contact.

"Whatever you can say to him in private, you can say to the both of us," Eli sniffed. He was so snooty it was almost funny. Except it wasn't.

"Alright then. I just came to apologize for whatever I did to make you upset. I'm sorry, for whatever I said. Can we please just talk again?" I pleaded with him.

He was going to respond, I swear he was, his mouth opened. Eli beat him to it. "Evan isn't upset. He's actually very happy, now that he's not friends with the school  ~~~~ _freak._ Right, Evan?" 

"Y-yes. Yea, I'm h-happier than I've ever b-been," he said, looking down at his hands. 

"See? Look, he doesn't need friends like you. People who are so suicidal that they crash their car and almost kill their sister along with them. People who are destructive, like you. He's doing just fine without your help, if not better," Eli laughed.

I balled my fists. My nails dug into my skin hard enough to draw blood. Evan looked up. He saw what was coming. He knew what would happen if he didn't intercept.

"C-Connor. Come to the bathroom with me?" He asked.

I nodded. Eli's face dropped. Nevertheless, we went. We were both silent as we walked the hallways. My hands were still bleeding from before.

We went into the bathroom. Evan locked the door. 

"Why are you-"

"He's p-probably following us. Trust m-me on this," Evan paced around.

"What's going on with you? You seem all jumpy, you're ignoring your friends, your  _stutter_ is fucking back," I spat, harsher than I meant.

He looked away. "I-I'm sorry for all of it. He- Eli- h-he's a monster. I can't get a-away," Evan rushed forwards. He put his head in his hands. 

"It's alright, Evan. I don't blame you. What did he do to you? Did he hurt you?" I asked. When he didn't reply, I walked towards him. He didn't notice, so I wrapped my arms around him. He flinched.

"Evan. Did. He. Hurt. You?" I asked again, harder, louder.

He shook his head. "I can't, I c-can't do this. You have to h-help me. P-please," his voice broke at the end.

"Evan, you need to breathe. Breathe with me, okay?" I held him closer so that he could feel my chest slowly rising and falling. Eventually, with his breath hitching a few times, he followed along.

We both slid down to the ground. It was probably gross and had lots of germs, but both of us couldn't care in the moment. I sat crisscross in front of him. "I can't help you if you don't tell me what's wrong," I said softly.

He was still crying, and that was alright. Something told me I couldn't help him, that he needed help from a professional. I wasn't an idiot, I knew that Eli was bad for him. I just didn't know how bad. Evan needed to tell me. He needed to communicate what was happening, or else the only help I could give is comfort. 

"Eli h-he-" Evan sniffed. He was going to cry again.

"I know. I know," I pulled him toward me and held him close. Whatever the fuck Eli did was terrible.

"I j-just. I feel s-so, so  _wrong._ So  _gross._ I can't g-get rid of it no matter how m-many showers I take. The feeling is t-there," he stuttered out. 

I pushed him away a little so I could see his face. He looked sorry, almost, but he was the victim. He doesn't have any reason to be sorry. Evan felt gross. That could mean a million different things, right? I was just imagining the worst of the situation. Eli doesn't seem like the type of person who would just. Do that to someone, does he? He couldn't, could he?

"Evan. I'm going to ask you a question. And I want you to answer it honestly, can you do that?" I refused to believe that I was actually asking this. It was such a silly, small possibility, why would it even happen?

Evan bit his lip, then nodded once, letting me continue. 

"Did he  _rape_ you?" I asked. It was such a serious question. It held so much power, I didn't realize until it slipped off my tongue. This one question, it could save a life. It could cause panic and chaos. The words weren't just words. The meaning went so much deeper than that. Evan didn't know how much they could do. 

Because he shook his head no. I almost sighed in relief, until I heard his explanation. "That- that can only h-happen to girls, can't i-it?"

Shit. Shit shit shit. He didn't know. Eli probably put his hands on Evan, and Evan didn't know it was a felony. Evan just thought it was gross, that Eli could do whatever he wanted and it was right. 

Well, it isn't god damn right. Eli was taking advantage of Evan. He was using Evan, probably just for sex, or money, or some stupid  _dare._ Like he was nothing.

But Evan was so much more than nothing. Eli couldn't see that, but then again, he never really could. Or would be able to. Or even try to understand the masterpiece that is Evan Hansen. 

"Evan, I want you to listen to me. I'm going to speak very clearly," I swallowed, desperately trying not to cry, "Rape can happen to anyone, at any time, in any place. Now, I'm not exactly sure what he did, but if he had sex with you, and you didn't want it, then it's a felony."

Evan wouldn't look at me. I tipped his head up. "There is nothing to be ashamed of. You are strong, Evan Hansen. Stronger than I will ever be. Stronger than most people on this earth will ever be."

"He- I t-tried to stop him-"

"Shh, I know. I know you did. How about we go to the orchard. Or if not the orchard, your house," I said, standing up. I reached for him to help pull him up. He grabbed my hand and pulled.

"Maybe just m-my house," he said quietly.

"That's okay, whatever you want to do. Wherever you want to go. I'll drive you," I said, unlocking the door slowly.

We had no idea how much time had passed. Lunch was already over, classes had been resumed. We walked through the desolate hallway, Evan wouldn't let go of my hand. It was cute, I couldn't help but think. I mentally scolded myself for it.  _He's had a bad week. Stop it stupid gay thoughts, not now._

We got into my car, and thankfully we didn't run into Eli. That would've been a disaster. I turned on the engine and we rode off to his house.

When we got there, Evan unlocked the door. We went inside. His mom wasn't home, of course, but the same note was on the counter, along with twenty dollars for food. He probably wasn't going to order it anyway.

"What do you w-want to do?" He asked me, sitting in a chair at the table.

I sat across from him. "I don't know. You're the one who wanted to come here."

Maybe that was a little harsh. It slipped. He didn't notice. "We have crafts."

I smiled. "Crafts? What kind of crafts?" 

He smiled back. "Friendship bracelets."

I laughed, and he laughed along with me. "We have to make each other them, then!" I said between laughter.

"Definitely! Let me go get them," he said, rushing away.

He returned with a box that had two girls on the front of it. They smiled, way too happily, while putting plastic beads onto string.

"This was a gag gift f-from Jared. Might as well p-put it to good use," Evan put the box down onto the table and sat in his chair again.

When we had all of the beads out, Evan took some string and cut it. "I think I'm going to make yours blue and green."

"Then I'm going to make yours black and yellow,"

"Connor! I'll look like a bumblebee!" Evan jokingly shouted.

"Hey, at least I'm adding yellow. I could've made it all black," I put my hands up defensively. 

He snorted. "Well, anyone who really knows you k-knows that your favorite color is yellow, not black. You just w-want to look edgy."

Realizing what he said, he covered his mouth. I laughed at him. "Jeez, Ev. I didn't know you had it in you to be at least a little insulting."

"I'm sorry-"

"Don't be. I've been called worse."

For awhile, we silently made our bracelets. Then, I felt something hit my cheek. I looked up, and Evan had a guilty smile. "Did you just-"

"Throw a bead at you? Yep, I did. What're you g-gonna do about it?" He asked tauntingly. 

I threw a bead right back. It landed in his hair. "That."

He picked up more beads. "This means war," Evan said as he threw a bunch at me. 

I scooped up a handful and jumped up from my seat, throwing them at him, one by one. For awhile, we ran around the kitchen, trying to get each other. Then it turned into a full house game, when Evan ran all the way to the living room. There were flying pink, purple, yellow, green, blue, and black projectiles zooming around the rooms.

We were both standing on the couch, still throwing, when we ran out. By then, we were feet apart. Both of us were grinning like idiots, and I don't think I've ever been happier. We inched towards each other, until we were about a foot apart.

"Thank you. This is exactly w-what I needed," Evan whispered. 

He took a small step closer, and closed the gap between us. His lips were soft, but suddenly, I could hear his breathing go ragged.

I immediately pulled away. "Evan? Evan are you okay? Shit, I'm sorry, you're gonna be okay. Look, um just breathe with me again, you can do it," I pulled him close, and held him while he tried his best to match our breathing.

After a few minutes, he was fine. "S-sorry," he choked out.

"You have nothing to be sorry for," I ran my hand through his hair.

"No, I s-shouldn't have kissed you. I k-knew it would remind me of what h-happened last time. I knew it would r-remind me of Eli-"

"Evan, it's really okay. I'm not him. I'm not intentionally going to hurt you," I said soothingly. We sat down next to each other.

"But you p-probably don't even like me like t-that," he said.

"Do you?"

"Do I w-what?"

"Do you like me like that?" I asked.

"I-"

The doorbell rang. I looked out the window to see who it was.

Oh hell no. Not now. He just had to ruin the moment.

"Connor, is it him?" 

I nodded once, before we went to go answer the door. Together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, there goes chapter 5. Hopefully it was relatively enjoyable, I always say that but hopefully it was. I thought maybe now you guys should know about me a little!! Alright, I'm 14, almost 15. I live in America. Pronouns: she/her. I actually saw Dear Evan Hansen August 26th, with Michael Lee Brown, and he's absolutely amazing. But there are some things about me!! I hope you have a great day!!
> 
> Peace and laughs from the past  
> Sincerely,  
> PMM240


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eli is at the door, now. It sort of just ruins the moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello lovely people!! I just just updated last night, but like how could I not update again? Instead of doing my homework?? Its amazing how little you can get done in a giant amount of time. I apologize for last chapter being a big dramatic, and both Evan and Connor were a little OOC, but I was just tired and thought it would be nice to update. This chapter might be better, might not be, who knows? Thank you guys for reading!!! We've got 38 kudos and that's more than I ever thought I'd get, so thanks. <33

The whole day started off bad. Like really bad. Eli came and picked me up for school, then proceeded to tell me I couldn't spend time with 'losers' like Jared, Alana, or Connor anymore. Then, he told me what to do, to wear, who to hang out with, what classes I should try in.

It was like he was controlling my whole life. He wouldn't go away, either. 

Then there was the whole lunch thing, which I was glad that Connor came. I was happy for the first time that week. He saved me from Eli for a few hours. That was more than I could ever hope for. We'd only been dating for a week, too. It was already hell.

Connor made my life like heaven, Eli made it hell. They were polar opposites, and I'm wondering what would've happened if I refused to go to prom with Eli. If I told him I already had a date.

The whole beads thing. Honestly, I didn't know where that came from, I'm almost never playful like that. But it was Connor, and I was a pining mess. So it sort of made sense. Sort of.

At the end there, I still didn't know what came over me, because I still felt  _wrong._ I still felt  _gross._  

That didn't stop me from kissing him. It was quite idiotic, because then he might be mad, that I just up and  _kissed_ him, he probably didn't even like me that way, I had ruined our friendship and the kiss itself was just  _badbadbadbadbad,_ because it reminded me _so much_ of that night and I never ever wanted to think about that night again and-

_Okay, breathe Evan, breathe. You're a senior in high school. This is what you need to be working on._

Was it really as bad as Connor said it was? He said it was a felony, but really I said sure at the end, Connor doesn't know that, though. Is it still a felony if I agreed at the end? I didn't agree at first, but then I did, so it isn't illegal, is it?

All I know is that so far, I've taken twelve showers in a week, which is more than usual. Quite a few more.

I came back to the present. Eli was at the door. Why was he here? Couldn't he just go away, leave us alone?

_You we're about to confess your love to Connor Murphy._  

I stopped walking to the door. Connor looked at me expectantly.

I was about to confess my love to  _Connor Murphy._

Was he about to confess back?

I guess I'll never know. Or find out in the far future. The obstacle right now, is Eli. Who is standing at the door, probably not happy.

He's going to yell. It's inevitable. He could scream and grow a tantrum right in the doorway. He could hurt one of us. He could hurt both of us. What would happen if he hurt both of us and left us bloody on the ground for mom to find? I cans scare her like that oh my God what am I going to do?

"Evan?" Connor asked lightly. "You coming?"

I knew I had no choice. Answering the door was already a fear, answering it to someone you're scared of is one too many. Or a few too many.

I quickly nodded and rushed down the hall next to Connor. The doorbell rang again, for like the tenth time.

_"Evan I know you're in there,"_ the voice was muffled, accompanied by pounding on the door.  _"Probably with your freak show friends, too."_

Connor was not a freak. Troubled? Yes. Needed help? Definitely. But if there was one thing he wasn't, it was a freak. He was a normal person, just like the rest of us. He deserved, no,  _needed_ to be treated like one. He should be shown respect, like a normal human being. Eli wasn't doing that. 

So I marched right on over there, and threw open the door. It slammed against the wall. "What could you possibly want from me, Eli?" I shouted at him.

He took a step back. Good.

"I wanted to know why you ran off today. I wanted to make sure you were  _okay,_ not dead somewhere in a ditch or anything!" He shouted right back.

I stepped away from him a little. Not so good. Connor stepped forwards, in front of me. "Look, Evan is fine-"

"Oh great!" He shouted sarcastically. "Connor is here! At your house! What are you guys doing? Making out? Because it seems like the kind of thing Evan would do-"

Connor growled. Like actually, growled. 

"What the hell do you even know about him?" Connor screamed. I grabbed his hand, he pulled it away.

"I know that he's a fucking  _slut,_ that's what I know! I would know more about him-"

"If you were actually nice to him! He isn't a slut, you just don't know what you're talking about. You've been dating for a week. Guess what? Evan and I have been friends for a year. I know enough about him to know that he isn't anything terrible, he isn't a bad person!" Connor shouted.

_Slut. Slut slut slut slutslutslutslutslut._ That's what I am, because I let him. I let him touch me. I let him do all of it, I didn't stop him. I couldn't stop him.

"Connor-"

"Evan, please. Don't listen to him," Connor begged.

"But I-it's the truth, I am a s-slut," I mumbled.

Eli smirked. "Damn right you are. Now, you're going to get in my car, and we're going to go back to my house. My parents are out of town again."

A chill went down my spine. I looked pleadingly at Connor. He glared at Eli.

"N-no," I whispered.

His face dropped. Connor smirked. "What did you say to me?" his voice was a low growl. He took a step forward.

"I said, no. I'm not going with you. I didn't want to h-have sex the last time, I s-still don't want to n-now," I said, a little more confidently.

He stepped towards Connor. "This is because of you, isn't it?" He pointed at Connor.

"I didn't do anything. Evan made that decision by himself," Connor smirked.

Eli just. He jumped at Connor. Connor fell like a tree, struggling to push Eli away. I was in such a state of shock, I couldn't do much besides watch what was going on.

Eli had Connor under him, and he was throwing punches like crazy. Connor didn't look like he even cared. He just gave up. He didn't look happy about giving up, but Connor didn't have much muscle in his arms. Eli had muscle everywhere, from football. 

Eli took out his phone. He had Connor pinned down. He rolled up Connor's sleeve. 

My blood went cold. I shook like a leaf. Connor went very pale. He started struggling, squirming.

Eli took a picture of Connor's arm. With his face in it, so that people could identify that it was him. Connor's arm was covered in rows of scars from blades, and scabs from when he itched them. It wasn't a pretty sight.

Eli laughed. "This is going on Instagram."

Then, he saw the friendship bracelet I made for Connor. He saw it, and he grabbed it. He tore it apart. The beads went everywhere. 

Then he walked away. He got in his car, and he drove off, flipping us off before he went.

Connor laid on the ground, breathing, but not getting up. I took a few minutes to calm down, to gather myself.

"Connor, are you alright?" I asked. Stupid question. Of course he wasn't alright.

He didn't answer. Instead, he just lay on the ground, face bleeding in places where Eli hit him. I put out my hand to help him up. He didn't take it.

So I sat next to him. I sat next to him until something, anything happened.

"Shit!" He screamed. He rolled over onto his stomach and pounded his hand against the ground. It had to hurt. Connor didn't really care, because he kept doing it. 

"He's going to post it on Instagram I swear I'm trying I'm  _trying_ to get better. People like him aren't helping me. Not at all," Connor sat up. He was crying.

"I'm sorry," I placed a hand gently on his back. When he didn't push it away, I slowly rubbed circles into his back.

"Don't be. You didn't do anything."

"But that's the thing. I didn't do anything to help you. I could've tried to get him off of you, but I didn't. I let Eli just attack you-"

"Evan, I don't blame you. Not one bit. I blame him. What is he even getting from this, anyway?" Connor yelled to no one in particular. "Not like he's going to win the lottery from bullying people!"

If it wasn't such a serious moment, I would've laughed. Connor looked nice, even though bruises were forming on his face. Even though his lip was bleeding. He still managed to look nice. "I love you," I blurted out. I slammed my hand over my mouth. 

"I- what?" He asked, sitting up.

"I- um- I- you heard me," I said quietly. I backed away from him. He scooted closer.

"I love you too."

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, there's chapter 6. Hope it was relatively enjoyable. Now I've got my mountain of homework to do. Oh joy. 
> 
> Laughs and fun times from the sunshine  
>  Sincerely,  
>  PMM240


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again people!! I'm not dead (surprisingly) don't worry. Okay so, this is moving pretty fast, but ain't nobody got time for that slow burn. At least not me. We've reached 700 hits, though, as well as 40 kudos. Thank you all so much!! I still can't believe it?? Last chapter was pretty trash, let me just say, but when I wrote it I was running on like 2 hours of sleep and 4 cups of coffee. Yeah, not so good for writing. But, hopefully this chapter is a little bit better than the last one. Enjoy!!

The pavement was cold, yet neither of us bothered to move. Crickets were chirping, owls hooting, but we stayed put. Connor didn't feel like talking, or even moving, so I didn't push him to.

My brain kept wandering to what had happened earlier. It was almost too much. No, it was definitely too much. 

_Connor Murphy loves you,_ part of my brain said.

The rational part of my brain, seemed to overpower those thoughts.  _He's just upset. It was a spur of the moment type of thing. No one loves you, why would he be any different?_

It was true. Not even my parents love me. That's why dad left. He has a new, better life now, leaving me in the dust. Leaving mom in the dust.

_How could you be so selfish to think about yourself? Mom was devastated when he left. You barely knew him. She was in love. Imagine if Connor left._

That would make my life an absolute train wreck.

I thought about my least favorite topic, Eli. Was he really going to stoop that low? Post those pictures? What would he get from this?

It wasn't even a fair fight. Connor has a broken leg. He didn't even bring his crutches to the door. That made me think about yesterday.  _How often was he using his crutches? He wasn't using them during the bead fight. Did he drive with one foot? He was driving, he drove us here, but did he really just do that?_

His eye started to swell, as well as some other parts of his face. I knew that if we didn't ice them soon, they would hurt quite a bit more than if we did. We needed to go inside. Mom would be home soon, too. I needed to fix this before she got here.

"Connor, we should r-really go inside," I whispered. Talking above a whisper felt like the wrong thing to do. 

I sat up. He didn't move. "You can if you want to. I want to stay here, just a little longer."

I looked at him. He wasn't crying, he didn't even look upset. He looked up at the sky, like he wished he was there. Like he wanted to be with the stars. One of millions, part of a constellation.

"Your eye-"

"I don't give a damn about my eye."

It wasn't mean, how he said it. He was being honest, and sometimes, the truth hurt.

"I will drag you into that h-house if you don't go in. P-physical health is important," I stood up and crossed my arms. For a night in May, it was pretty cold.

He still didn't budge. I huffed out an annoyed puff of air. I grabbed his hands, and started pulling as hard as I could. He moved a few feet at a time. Then we got to the front steps. "I don't w-want to have to drag you up m-my front steps. But I will if I h-have to."

He grabbed onto the small black railing next to the steps. He hoisted himself up onto one foot. He was having trouble walking up the steps.

"Here," I offered. "Lean on me."

"I don't want to crush you-"

"I'm not a-asking," I put his arm around my shoulder. He allowed some of his weight to slump onto me. Slowly, we made it up the steps. We hobbled down the hallway. I led him to the table, and told him to sit on it. He complied.

I rushed into the kitchen. We didn't have an ice machine, and the tray was empty. So I rummaged through the leftovers in the freezer until I found a bag of frozen peas. It's better than nothing.

When I returned, Connor had almost fallen asleep sitting up. I almost laughed, until I remembered the situation. "Here," I gave him the bag. He held it up to his left eye.

"This'll be fun to explain to Larry," Connor grumbled.

"It's not your fault. I should've n-never said yes to going to prom w-with Eli," I sat in a chair across from him. He let his good leg swing forward and backwards.

"Don't turn this on yourself. You didn't do anything wrong. He was calling you names, stupid things that you aren't," Connor said. "If anyone's, it's his fault."

I put my head in my hands. I didn't know what to believe anymore. "You should stay over. It's Friday a-anyway. Just text Zoe, she's probably worried."

Connor's eyes widened. "Shit, she's gonna be so mad. I just left school with no explanation."

"She'll live," I said. Connor got up, and actually used his crutches to go get his backpack. He was gone for a few minutes while he texted Zoe, and maybe his mom.

When he walked back into the room, he yawned. "Apparently, Larry's annoyed with me, but that's not new," he didn't look me in the eyes.

"Hey, it'll be alright. For now, just get some rest, we'll see if the swelling has gone down in the morning."

Connor nodded. "Alright."

We hobbled together up the stairs, what an experience, and into my room. "You can have the bed. I'll sleep on the couch," I said.

"I'm not going to take your bed. You should sleep in it."

I laughed. "No, you take the bed. That's why we c-came upstairs."

Eventually, he laid down. I sat next to him. When I was about to stand up to go to the couch, he pulled on my wrist. "Stay?" He asked.

"Alright," I said. I continued to sit by him.

"Not like that," he pulled me into the bed so that I was laying down next to him. My face heated up. "Oh," I whispered.

"Jesus, calm down, Evan. It's not like we're having sex," Connor grumbled.

Sex. That night. The first date.

_"Come on, EV. All couples do it. Don't be a pussy."_

It was all too much, my brain was on fire, it was mush already, I could think except for that one night, the one hour, the worst hour of my life.

_Eli laughed. "Calm down, Evan. Are you having one of those silly panic attacks again? We're just having sex. It's not a big deal."_

Except it was a big deal. It was such a big deal because I didn't want it I didn't want it I didn't _want it IswearIdidn'twantitpleasedon'tblameme._

I could still hear a little bit what was happening.

"Shit," I heard him say. "Shit shit shit okay Evan breathe, I need you to breathe, God I'm such an idiot. Okay in, one, two, three, out, one, two, three."

We continued like that for awhile. I was so pathetic, this was what? Three panic attacks in a day? Four? I lost track.

"C-Connor?" I asked when my breathing slowed down.

"Yea?" He answered.

"Why am I- if God loves everyone, equally, why did he m-make me this way?" I asked.

"Shit, well I'm an atheist, so I don't know. But you're perfect, so don't try to change. God made you like this, because you're strong enough to handle it."

There was nothing but breathing for awhile.

"Please don't ever l-leave me. I'm not sure what I would d-do," I whispered.

And it was true. I would be nowhere without him. "I wasn't planning to be anywhere else."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 7 is now done!! Dang, why do i always have to end with angsty or sappy stuff. Oh well. I don't know exactly when I'll be able to update next, but it might be soon, it could also be next weekend. It depends how much sleep I get, because I really only have time to write the chapters at night. Anyway, comments cure me (and motivate me to get more quality content out) so feel free to do that ;)
> 
> Fun times and laughter from these trashy chapters  
>  Sincerely,  
>  PMM240


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woah, back at it again 2 days in a row??? Surprising. Thank you to all who left kudos or dropped a comment, they make me happy. All of you are so so soooo amazing because you put up with my wacko update schedule and my crappy writing so I mean. Thanks. For the millionth time. Enjoy the chapter!!

The rest of the night at Evan's house was peaceful. I didn't want to remember what had happened the night before, I didn't want to talk about it. Sooner or later, I knew we had to, but I didn't want it to be now. Evan was the same way, apparently. He wouldn't bring it up, so I wasn't going to try to talk about it.

That's why it was pretty awkward when we sat at the table together. Evan's mom already went to work, but she left a kind note.

_Evan and/or Connor,_

_There are leftovers in the fridge, if you want them. Or order something, it's your choice. I don't know what happened, or why there are little beads everywhere, but please pick them up. Thank you! Love you both!_

_\- Mom_

I think I could name about a million reasons why Heidi was so great. She was like a mother to me, even though I had one of my own. Heidi didn't even sign the note Heidi. She signed it mom.

Cynthia was an okay-ish mother. She cooked, cleaned, and tried to put our abnormal family back together.

Well, some puzzles just can't be fixed now, can they?

The only problem with Cynthia is that she always sided with  _Larry._ When she tries to win an argument, she eventually fails. Larry is persistent. Most arguments between them are about me. 

_"He has problems, Larry! How can you not see that?"_

_"Cynthia, I'm telling you, he's doing all of this for attention. It will blow over. I'm not wasting my money on him."_

Zoe and I would usually just tune them out with music together. That is, until things got rough between us. But now, we do the same exact thing, because our relationship, while it can never be like before, is mending. 

Not completely fixed, though. I still manage to screw things up. I was trying breathing exercises whenever I was agitated or angry. They helped, even if only by a little. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt Zoe.

Having a broken leg actually helped, though. It gave her enough time to run away from me, and I wasn't as strong with only one leg. This is good. It's for the best.

It's true, I drove with one foot. Talented, I know. But Evan was having a panic attack, and he was in no shape to drive. He had to get out of that school, I couldn't leave him there.

Plus, he didn't notice until later, when he really thought things through. By then it was too late to do anything, though.

My eye was black and I had bruises on my face, back, shoulders, and wrists where he pinned me down. Larry was going to have a field day with this. His only son, couldn't even defend himself.

After all, we were due for an argument. It's been two weeks without one, maybe that's just because we've been avoiding each other. It's definitely because we've been avoiding each other. But not for long, he's bound to call me out on the bruises. The other kids at school, too. Hopefully not too much. Maybe I should just focus on Evan, talk to him at least.

"Are you alright? After last night, I mean,"  _smooth, Murphy. Real smooth._

"What? Oh um yea I'm f-fine, why wouldn't I be?" He asked.

I looked at him for a minute. Not mean, just studied him. "I don't blame you if you don't want to talk about it. It's not an easy subject. But I think that you should tell someone," he tensed up. I didn't stop. "Your mom, therapist, a hotline for all I care. Someone, besides me, who can get you the help you need."

"I don't- I don't need any h-help," Evan stuttered out. He shuffled his feet under the table.

"Evan-"

"I said I don't need any help, C-Connor!" He yelled. He stood up from the place he was sitting. I wanted to be mad at him. Evan is the only person it seems I can't get mad at.

Realizing what he just did, he sat back down. "Oh God, I'm so s-sorry, I didn't mean to yell at you and I d-did, I'm such a mess," he put his head in his hands.

I took his hands away. "It's alright. I'm not mad at you. I'm just suggesting. I didn't mean to scare you, I'm just suggesting what you could do. I'm not an adult yet, I can help you, but I can't help you all the way. Someone out there will be able to make this better, all you need to do is ask."

He shook his head. "I don't think I can do t-that. My mom will think I'm so disgusting-"

"Your mom is probably the most accepting person on earth. She cares about your safety first, she wants to know if you're healthy. And while you are physically healthy," I squeezed his hand reassuringly, "mental health is right up there with physical health. I'm not saying you're insane, I'm just saying that you're not in the best place right now."

He nodded. "How do I do it t-then? Do I just s-say it?"

I smiled pitifully. Not that I pity him, just the situation isn't the best. "I'd tell her about Eli. She already knows about him, but she doesn't know how much of a jerk he is."

Evan stood up. "Thanks, Connor. I think you should go home. Your family probably wants you there."

"But what about picking up the beads? Will you order food for yourself? Are you going to be okay?" I asked.

He sighed. "I'm fine. I'll eat the leftovers. I'll pick up the b-beads. But I'm going to drive you home, because you shouldn't be d-driving with a broken leg."

I smiled guiltily. "Sorry about that one."

"No no no, don't be sorry. You saved m-me," Evan said. He grabbed my crutches and handed them to me. I slowly stood up.

"I wouldn't call it saving-"

"Don't be modest. You  _saved_ me. There is no other w-word to describe it," we walked down the hallway, not unlike the night before.

We walked in silence out to the car. I hopped in the passenger side while he was at the wheel. He looked a little nervous. He turned to me. "D-did you mean it?" He asked.

"Did I mean what? You're gonna have to be a little more specific."

"When you said you l-loved me. Did you mean it?"

I didn't hesitate. "Of course I did. And I know I probably ruined our friendship by saying that, so you don't have to talk to me ever again, but it's true, and it's always been true."

"You didn't ruin anything. I-I love you too," he said. He started the car.

"I would definitely kiss you right now, but I don't want to freak you out," I said.

"Thanks for the info, Connor," he laughed.

We drove down winding back roads until we reached hell- I mean, my house. It loomed over the small car, intimidating me. Probably Evan, too.

"This is your stop," he said, putting us in park. "Do yo want help to the door?"

I shook my head. "I think I'll be fine."

I made my way down the little pavement pathway. It was lined with tulips. Cynthia had gotten into gardening this season. Not her worst obsession. 

I opened the front door. Zoe stood there, waiting for me. She looked like a mother, in that moment. "You got into a fight," she said, like it was a fact.

"I can explain-"

"God, Connor, you haven't gotten into a fight for months! I thought you weren't going to do that, anymore!" She yelled.

"Zo, have you checked Instagram lately? Facebook?" I asked her. I didn't want to get mad, I just needed to keep breathing, just keep evenly breathing. In and out, in and out.

"What? Why does it fucking matter right now? You could've gotten seriously hurt, picking fights with someone-"

"I wasn't the one starting the fight! The guy attacked me!" I yelled. She shrunk away.

"I thought you were getting better," she whispered.

I thought I was too. "I can explain everything if you just _let me_."

Was I going to tell her everything? I sure didn't want to. But if I wanted a good relationship, I had to be honest. And so, when she led/helped me up to her room, I made a choice. I was going to tell her about Eli.

We got into her room, and sat on her bed. Her room was painted pink, like really pastel pink. It had been that way since she was a baby. My room was brown.

"I want you to explain, and this better be good," she sat across from me, crisscross. I took off my shoes and put them next to the bed. Then I put my feet up on the bed and leaned back, resting against the headboard.

"You know how you told me to ask Evan to prom?" I asked.

"Yeah? What about that?"

"He already had a date. His date is a jerk," I said.

"So you beat him up?" Zoe's eyebrows furrowed. 

"No, no it's not like that-"

"Then what's it like? Get to the point, Connor. Mom and dad will be home soon."

"Fine. You want me to get to the point? I'll get to the damn point. This guy, on their first date, fucking raped Evan. Then he continued to verbally abuse him. I got them away from each other at lunch yesterday, and Evan had a panic attack in the bathroom. He didn't know it was a felony. He thought rape could only happen to girls. So I drove him home, and spent the night there. I convinced him to tell his mom and get help," I said quickly.

"Shit, is Evan alright?" She asked.

"Probably not, but he could be, if it wasn't for Eli."

Her head perked up. "Eli? As in, like, the guy on the football team?"

"That would be him."

"He has a girlfriend. Her name is Sabrina. I know her, she's in band with me."

I groaned. "Can we just agree he's a jerk? I don't want it to be this complicated."

"Sure, but why did you get into a fight with him?" She asked, resting her chin on her hand.

"He came to Evan's house last night," I swallowed hard. "He called Evan some stupid shitty names, I think he called him a slut. It's pretty blurry from there, he knocked me over. I didn't fight back, he didn't even have a scrape on him when we were done."

"Oh. Did he do anything else?"

"Like I asked before. Have you been on social media lately?" I asked. I'm assuming he posted it, but I couldn't bother to check.

"No, why? I can check right now, though," she pulled out her phone and opened Instagram. She typed in Eli's name, and his account popped up. She clicked on it, and sure enough, with his some 2,000 followers, the first picture was of me. With the scars. Face blank. I looked almost dead.

The caption was what interested me, though.

_Follow @pleasekillyourself for more quality content._

Zoe looked outraged. She clicked the account. The bio was also, very surprising. 

_Welcome, everyone, to the freakshow! @pleasekillyourself is an Instagram with pictures of people who should, well, you get what I'm trying to say here._

The first picture was me, not surprising. Followed by Zoe, Alana, Jared, And Evan.

There was one comment, on one of the pictures, by someone in the group. It scared me the most. Zoe and I looked up at each other. "Call the police," she whispered.

_Be careful what you wish for, it might just come true._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, hope that was fun to read. What a cliffhanger!!1!1!1! I honestly have no clue when I'll update again, it could be tomorrow, it could be in a week. It all depends on what I'm doing that day. How tired I am. If I think that I'm too tired to write a decent chapter, I won't try to write one. Because then I forget things that happened before and I'll just be writing random stuff. Anyway, have an amazing day!!
> 
> Laughter and sunny days, from the actors on Broadway  
>  Sincerely  
>  PMM240


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who wrote the comment on the Instagram? Alana? Jared? Evan?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Next to Normal starts playing* BUT IM ALIVE IM ALIVE I AM SO ALIVE.  
> Yea sorry school is busy because homework and clubs also started this week. But we hit?? 50?? Kudos??? Anyway?????? Thanks so so super much!!! I love you all!! Sorry for the wait, I'll try to update sooner.

Disgusting is one way to describe the feeling. Horrified is a better one. All I wanted to do after seeing the stupid Instagram was crawl under some blankets and watch Netflix until June. Was that too hard to ask?

What the heck Eli was thinking is just beyond me. I knew he was an idiot, and a jerk, but seriously. How does this benefit him?

I looked around my small room, with the blue walls and the black dresser in the corner. What was the point of this? What was the point of life if everyone wanted me dead anyway? 

_Stop it stupid brain,_ I thought to myself.  _Think of Connor. He likes you. He said he loves you. Maybe he does. Maybe he doesn't. Think of that._

But what if he's dead? What if he's left me behind already? He's already gone, in a better place, while I'm stuck here in this hell of a world. 

He wouldn't do that. Would he?

I sure hoped not. Maybe I should check up on everyone? That sounds like it's a good idea. Maybe if I call them, we can all talk together about how to solve this problem. No one gets hurt. Not physically, at least. 

What if they don't know about the Instagram? I don't want to have to be the one to break the news to them. I should probably just do it anyway. Make sure they're all alright. 

So I made a groupchat. Like a normal person would in this situation. 

_To: group w/ TheinsanelycoolJK, ZoZo21, ConnorMurphy, AlanaBecklikesBooks_

_Me: Is everyone alright?_

_ZoZo21: Evan check the comments on the third picture then come to our house_

_AlanaBecklikesBooks: I'm alright. Is everyone else okay?_

_ConnorMurphy: Alana come to our house too. Jared too_

I rushed to open Instagram, typed the account name in with shaky hands, and clicked the third picture. The followers were growing, and Eli posted a group picture we took in November. It was Thanksgiving, and we all were standing, backs facing the camera, holding hands. In the background, there was a campfire. 

Thst was one of the best nights of my life. Eli had to ruin it somehow, of course.

I had gotten sidetracked. Check the comments on the third picture? What is that even supposed to mean? 

_Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it._

No. No, no this couldn't be happening, absolutely not. I ran out the door, opened the car, slammed the door and sped away.

I didn't remember the drive, or speeding. I didn't remember getting to Connor's house, not bothering to knock on the door, but just entering. Running up to his room. Him, Zoe, and Alana sat there already.

"What's going on? Is J-Jared? Is he h-here?" I asked frantically.

Connor stood up. He shook his head. "He's not. He's not dead, I don't think. The comment was only put up about fifteen minutes ago. We don't know where he is, but we called the police. They're out looking for him. The best thing we can do is stay here."

This couldn't be real. "Is- am I dreaming? Someone pinch me or s-something. I'd like to-to wake up now. Like r-right now."

Connor hobbled over to me. He wrapped his arms around me. "I so wish you were dreaming. I wish I could make this better for you," he whispered.

I didn't like the touch at first, but only for a second or two. Then, it felt comforting, and I leaned into it.

Alana and Zoe sat on the bed. They were already in each other's arms. I don't want to know when that happened, but it did, apparently. "Does his m-mom know?" I asked. 

Connor nodded. He didn't say anything else. He didn't need to. It's this type of situation that brings people together. "We should b-be out there. Looking for h-him," I said quietly.

Connor hummed lightly. "I wish we could. The police told us to stay here and they'll handle it."

"Fuck the police," I pulled away from him. "I'm going to l-look for him. Anyone want to join me?"

"I'm always up for doing something the police told us not to," Connor said, lightening the situation, even if only by a little.

Zoe bit her lip. "I don't know, Connor. Maybe its best we just let the police do their job."

"Zoe, is Jared your friend, or no? Has he not been there for you, for all of us?" Connor asked. He was defending Jared.

Zoe stood up. "I thought you didn't like him-"

"The guys an asshole, like 80% of the time," Connor swallowed. "But I know how he feels. Most of us know how it feels. To feel like nobody wants you here. But in those few moments before you try to kill yourself," Connor stopped and took a deep breath. "In those few moments, all you wish for is someone you  _know_. Someone you actually trust. A friend, family, whoever. You want someone to come get you, to talk you out of it. It's your last hope, last lifeline."

I nodded. "It's true."

Connor smiled a little smile. "So with or without you guys, we're going."

Connor walked out of the room, slowly down the stairs. I was right behind him. I didn't look back to see if they were following us.

As it turns out, they were. "You guys take the left side of town, check everywhere, buildings, bridges, anything. We'll take the right," Alana said, getting into her car.

I got into mom's car. It smelled like cinnamon, like her. Connor got in the passenger side. "Ready?" I asked. 

"Just drive, Hansen," he said.

Back to the last name, apparently. Was that a sign that he didn't like me? That he didn't want to be near me? 

The drive was awkward. Connor didn't talk, so neither did I. We checked many places, on top of stores, bridges, the forest even. He wasn't there.

Connor's phone started to ring on the way back. It was an unknown number.

He picked it up. "Hello?"

"Is this Connor Murphy? The one who called before?" 

"Yes, yes that would be me. Why?"

"We've located Jared Kleinman. He's on the river view bridge. He won't get down until someone named Ethan arrives."

I froze. He wanted to see someone named Ethan?

Connor let out a sigh of relief. "Is the person's name Evan by any chance?"

"Could be. It's hard to hear him. He won't get down."

"We're on our way."

Connor hung up the phone. 

"He wants to see m-me?" I asked in disbelief.

"Apparently so. He's alright. That's what matters."

We drove as quickly as possible to the river view bridge. It had a few police cars near it. We pulled up. One of the officers stopped us. "Sorry, but the bridge is closed at the moment," he said.

"No, n-no. My name is Evan. Evan Hansen. I'm the person he w-wanted to see," I said politely. He sighed and let us through.

I jumped out of the car and ran to the side of the bridge. I could see Jared standing there, back towards the bridge, facing out. He gripped the railing. If he let go, he would fall.

I slowly walked to him. "Jared?"

His head whipped around. "Evan?"

I nodded. I didn't mean to start crying, but the tears were already falling. "Please. Please step away f-from the ledge. You're scaring all of us."

"Us?" He asked.

"Y-yeah! Us. Me, Connor, Zoe, Alana, your parents. All of us."

"My mom's probably freaking out," Jared whispered.

"Yea. S-so am I. Please, Jared. Don't do t-this. You're my best friend, I don't know what I'd do w-without you."

He swung a leg over the railing, then he swung the other one over. 

We embraced for the first time in a long time. We were both crying. At least the police kept their distance.

We made it back to the car, eventually. Connor was standing with his crutches at the side of it. When he saw us, he hobbled over. "Ever pull a stunt like that again and I'll kill you myself, Kleinman," Connor said.

He even hugged him. What a beautiful day

We got back in the car, Connor stretched out in the backseat. We had dealt with the police, they said Jared could rest for tonight but they would question him tomorrow. Connor said he had contacted Alana and Zoe, they were already back at the house. We were dropping Jared off at his house, he had to talk with his parents about it.

Like I was too afraid to do with mom.

I walked Jared to the from door of his house. "Stay safe, Jared. Also I'm reporting the stupid Instagram tonight."

"Thanks, Evan. I don't know why you deal with me," he laughed. 

"Hey. Don't go doing that. I don't deal with you, I choose to be with you. You're my best friend. Honestly you are. It may seem like Connor is, but its you." 

He smiled. "Thank you."

He went in the door. I went back to the car. We silently drove back to Connor's house. I texted mom and told her I'd be sleeping over.

It had been an eventful day. Too close for comfort.

I decided I was going to tell mom tomorrow. There was nothing that could stop me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hehe I love dealing out the angst. Anyway thanks so much for reading!! (Comments motivate me ;) just sayin just sayinnnn) nah you don't have to though. I'll post another chapter anyway. But I have to make cards for friends because they all have birthdays in a big clump? Like what is this? I have about 6 friends with birthdays in October. That's a lot of cards. I also forgot the last rhyming thing so I'll just make one up.
> 
> Goodness and joy from the longest yea boiiiiii (sorry sorry gotta get them memes in somehow)  
>  Sincerely,  
>  PMM240


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things start to work out, it's all good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone once again!! I'm home sick today (against my requests because I hate staying home sick) so I thought I'd update!!! But I just want to say, we reached 1000 hits, and I almost cried when I saw that, so thank you so much!!

The day after the whole deal almost made me forget how much shit had happened the last few days. The day wasn't close to as bad as the last. It was almost good, even.

Except for a couple of things. One, Evan hasn't gotten help, and I'm still concerned. Two, Kleinman tried to fucking kill himself last night, so he'll be out of it. And three, the Instagram is still there. They haven't posted anyone but us so far, but that doesn't mean they won't. No one has reported them, but I'm going to the office today to explain. Not everything, I can't tell him about Evan or Kleinman. But I can tell him who I think it is behind the whole ordeal.

When I thought this whole thing started because of prom, I almost laughed out loud. It sounded too unrealistic. This was like a movie, or book, or something.

These thoughts, however, disappeared, when I rolled out of bed. My hair was a mess, so I brushed it. I checked the weather on my phone. It was going to be about 80 degrees. Too hot for me to be in school.

Except I had to report it. I had to go to school and be there. I told everyone last night that I'd do it. They were surprised, Evan even asked if I was sure I wanted to, but it felt like I had to. If they posted someone else, then that person could get hurt, and I definitely do not want that to happen.

My mind keeps thinking back to the bridge last night. Kleinman looked about ready to jump right off. Evan saved him. I wonder if he knows that. If Evan knows he saved someone's life.

I pulled my hair into a messy ponytail. It's too hot for the hair to be covering my neck. I didn't put on my hoodie, just tied it around my waist. So far, the day wasn't so bad. 

The steps were easier now that I've done them a few times. By a few I mean like ten. Once in the morning, once at night, a few times in the middle of the day.

Well, practice makes perfect. I was still slow, going down the stairs. I hated the fact that I couldn't drive, Zoe had to drive me to school. We couldn't walk there anymore, because by the time I got there, school would already be over.

Everyone was already at the table when I walked down. Instead of flopping in my chair, I had to put my crutches to the side, and I had to lower myself slowly to the chair. It was a little awkward, but I really didn't care.

Larry looked at me. He was disappointed in me. Of fucking course. Why wouldn't he be? I crashed the car, I got into fights. I waste their money and time. Eventually, he spoke up. "Connor. We're going to have to talk tonight about getting into fights, and crashing the car. It seems that  that medicine wasn't working. That's why I threw it out."

Zoe almost choked on her breakfast. She didn't know he threw the pills out. "You did what?" She asked in disbelief.

"Zoe, I know what's best for my son-"

"Dad, don't you dare. Don't you even  _dare._ You don't know anything about him!" She took a breath. "He's been doing better, too. He's actually happy. Isn't that what's important?"

Mom stayed silent through the whole thing. She had to leave for her yoga class soon, so she quickly excused herself and left. Leaving Zoe, Larry, and me.

"Zoe, money is important in this house. We can't keep wasting it on new cars and medical bills," Larry said, calmly. If only he talked to me like that, instead of his stone cold voice.

"So, what, you'd rather have your own son kill himself than have him be happy? Have him get better, have a boyfriend?" She asked.

Larry chuckled. It was bitter. "You know, at this point," he got up. "I'm not sure what I want anymore."

There were stabs to my chest. I didn't look up. I looked down at my plate. I didn't dare say a word. With a quick "I'll see you tonight," from Larry, he was gone. That left us alone at the table. Still, I wouldn't meet her pitiful gaze. She looked sad, really sad. She shouldn't be sad, though. Even my own father wants me to kill myself.

Zoe wouldn't leave. She was still here. That had to count for something, though. "Connor? Please don't, you know, kill yourself. I heard what dad said. I know you hate him. I do too. He just. He wants to know you, I think. He doesn't know where to start, though. You're doing better. I can tell you are. You have friends behind you, good friends. You're not smoking, not ditching school. Mom and I, we're proud of you. It must be hard without the meds, but I know you can do it."

I finally looked up at her. She was smiling gently. I didn't know when I started crying, but I felt the tears on my face. "I really want to fucking yell at someone. Break something. But I can't," I said.

She came over to me. "Is touching okay?" She asked. I nodded. It wasn't a panic attack, it was more, trying desperately not to have an outburst. I dug my nails into my skin. Zoe hugged me. For the first time in years. She wasn't scared to hug me. I dug my nails in farther. If I wanted to prevent myself from hurting people, I had to hurt myself. I couldn't let anyone else get hurt. The pain helped me. It was soothing.

Zoe noticed. She took my hand. "Hey, you don't have to do that. You shouldn't do that. It's okay to yell at people, to yell at me. I get what's going on. I don't get it exactly, but I know the problem. Dad threw it away. He shouldn't have done that, but he did."

I nodded. It was strange how I was the older brother, but she was taking care of me. It wasn't strange. It was fucking  _pathetic._

"I hate him so much! He's always complaining that I do drugs and skip school, but I haven't done it for weeks! Months, even! He can't see that I'm trying, I'm trying so  _hard_ to be better. Im trying for Evan, for mom, for you. Im not trying for him! I'm doing this for myself too! He can't fucking see that!" I stood up. All I could feel was the need for pain, to be grounded to the earth, so I don't black out. So I don't float away. I scratched at my arms. Zoe backed away. She didn't try to stop me. "He doesn't give a shit about me! Why would he start now? Why don't you just let me fucking go, let me go slit my wrists? Why can't you let me leave?"

Blood was in beads, it was dripping down my wrists. It was on my hands, on my fingers. I couldn't get away. Not from myself, not from anything. Not from the world. Too much shit was happening at once, and I wanted to slap Zoe, because she was the closest thing to me. 

I scratched myself harder. Faster. Trying to calm myself, trying to refrain from slapping her, from yelling again. I distantly remember sitting back in the chair. I remember her talking on the phone with someone. 

I was a mess. A God damn mess. The scratching, the anger. I wanted it to all be over. All of it. I wanted to scratch my arms up so bad, I would bleed out. That's what it felt like, in that moment.

I put my head down on the table. My ears were ringing, I couldn't hear what I was saying anymore. I was just talking. Whatever I said, I yelled, Zoe looked horrified by it. She should be. I'm a monster. A terrible person. Everyone should leave me. Abandon me. Kill me. Something. Just get away.

I knew someone grabbed my hands, both of them. I felt them slip a bracelet around my wrist. Followed by a rubber band. The bracelet was blue and green.

Evan's favorite colors. He was talking, I knew he was. My ears were still ringing. He kept talking. I focused on his eyes. They were blue. Like the beads. Maybe if I stopped being so angry all the time, I could have a normal friendship. Or relationship. It was almost calming, to just look at his eyes. He was wearing a shirt from Ellison State Park. It said 'Junior Park Ranger' on it. 

God, I love this dork. He's absolutely perfect. I don't know why people would even consider being mean to him. He's pretty. His eyes sparkle. I could tell that he was talking about something he liked. Maybe trees, or plants. Maybe his time at Ellison before the tree incident. His mom, or something stupid Jared had said on the groupchat. 

The ringing eventually went away. I knew by that time we had missed a part of school. Part of first period, maybe. Zoe was sitting in the living room, but she was watching. Evan squeezed my hand comfortingly.

He hadn't left. Neither had Zoe. "You guys- you stayed?" I asked quietly.

"Not like I'm going to l-leave," Evan said. He brushed his thumb over my knuckles. It was nice.

I broke down, though. I sobbed. Evan held me as I sobbed. "I just," I hiccuped. "I don't get why he can't be nice to us. He's our father, he wants me to fucking off myself."

I put my head on his shoulder. He rubbed my back soothingly. "Shh it's alright, you're alright n-now."

Was I alright now? I still didn't report the Instagram. I'm not happy about that. "Maybe we should get Alana to report the Instagram," I said quietly.

"If that's what you want to do, then we can d-do that," Evan said.

I couldn't believe I had such a great friend? Boyfriend? I'd figure it out later. The important thing was that he's in my life, and that's all that counts. "I'd like that."

Evan led me over to the kitchen sink. He let the water run, and put my hands under it first. He lightly scrubbed my hands. The blood slowly came off. He scrubbed my wrists, too. He didn't stop until the blood was gone. 

"I think you need a sick d-day from school," he said.

I just nodded. I couldn't face him. Not after what I did. It was easy before, because I was still calming down from the outburst, but now that I was completely calm, I couldn't.

Zoe came over. She looked at em pitifully. "Is it true?" She whispered.

"Is what true?" I asked. I didn't know what I had said, but it couldn't have been good. Not at all. I probably insulted her. Told her I wished she was dead or something. I didn't wish that at all. I wanted her to be alive. If she died, I think I'd die.

"That- that dad um. That he hits you?" She asked.

Shit. During my rage I must've said that. I must have told her. Whenever dad wants to 'talk' he bring me down into the basement and hits me a couple of times. Usually, it's not a big deal. He doesn't hit my face, because then people could see. I nodded. "It's nothing. You don't need to worry about it."

Evan looked at me. He looked a little confused. "You didn't t-tell anyone?" 

I shook my head. "Like I said. It's nothing to worry about. A couple of hits, he's done."

I didn't tell them about the time he pulled a knife on me. That when no one was home, he plunged the knife about half an inch into my back, between my shoulder blades. I still had the scar. He carved the word "Freak." Into my back. So I would always be a freak, I would never be normal.

I remember I screamed. He told me that I did it to myself, how was this any different?

"Connor, I'm worrying about it. No matter what you say," Zoe said.

"D-do you have scars? Is that w-why you refuse to go swimming?" Evan asked quietly. He covered his mouth with his hand. "Sorry that was so so r-rude I should have said that you don't h-have to answer if you don't want to-"

"Yes I have scars. There's your answer."

Zoe asked to see them. I refused. She said okay. I didn't know what would happen from there, but it couldn't be good. Zoe knew, Evan knew, and they were most likely going to do something about it.

Zoe contacted Alana throughout the day, and Alana said that the principal got the Instagram taken down. I sighed in relief. At least one good thing came today. The Instagram is gone. Forever.

I just had to get through tonight with Larry, and everything would be okay. Hopefully.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys I made a tumblr a couple days ago, I just haven't updated so I couldn't tell you to come bother me. It's @applepieforforever because 1) DEH reference, and 2) apple pie is the best you can come fite me on this. Anyway, hope you enjoyed, thanks for reading!!
> 
> Joy and cupcakes from these later than normal updates  
>  Sincerely,  
>  PMM240


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Larrys mean. Idk what else to say

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey again!! (I swear I'm not dead, school is just busy) but here's an update anyway!! Thank you to everyone for reading, and everyone who has left kudos or commented, it really makes my day!! Enjoy this chapter even though y'all are gonna hate me after it.

I could still feel the cool pinch of the blade on my skin. The way it dragged slowly across my back, carving the inescapable truth. The thoughts of that night were always suffocating. They clogged my airway, made it hard to think, to understand that that night happened a long time ago. That the night would not be repeated.

Except, it felt like only yesterday that mom was leaving for late night yoga or whatever the hell she was doing. Zoe had left for a friend's sleepover or something like that. It felt like hours ago, that Larry had a bit too much to drink, he was telling his son the reasons he was such a screw up.

Larry remembered what happened that night. I knew, because the next day, he locked the knife drawer. He didn't want his drunk self to kill me. Sure, he could push me to kill myself, but he couldn't do it himself. Larry didn't want his clean record scratched up. Especially not because of his son, who was fucked up in the head. Larry couldn't go to jail, he had to support his family. At least, the family that was important to him.

There were a lot of things that Larry was. A business man. A husband. A father. An alcoholic abuser. An uncaring, selfish maniac who wished his only son would just hurry up and kill himself already.

His life would be better without me. He'd have more time on his hands to focus on business. He'd have his perfect daughter, his perfect little girl Zoe. Him and mom wouldn't fight as much about therapy for me, or medication, because I would simply be gone. Out of the equation.

It was almost a perfect plan. Zoe went to her nightly jazz band practice, as if practice during school wasn't enough, and mom went to something. I had trouble keeping track of what she was doing these days. And Larry, well, Larry was still at work.

I tried so hard to find a reason, a solid reason why I shouldn't do it. Why I shouldn't just slit my wrists and be done with it.

Evan, Alana, and Zoe would get over me. Jared didn't even like me, so there was no point worrying what he would do. Go on with his life, probably. Mom? She had another child to care for. Larry? Didn't care. Heidi? She had her own son to deal with. A teacher? They have other students to worry about. A fucking pet? Nope, don't have one.

The pros of doing it were outweighing the cons. By a large amount.

Earlier that day, Evan had left for a therapy appointment, so I couldn't call him. Alana had extracurriculars all day, every day. Zoe was gone. Mom too. Larry, just no. Heidi was at work. 

That left the one and only Jared Kleinman.

If I didn't want to call a suicide hotline, I would have to call Kleinman. I didn't want to have to say the reason I wanted to do it. I didn't want to say that I wanted to get away from my father, because we were going to talk tonight.

He would just pull me into the basement and hit me for a few hours, beat me up, tell me I'm worthless.

He could never do it sober. That's the one thing I noticed.

So I decided, why the hell not? Why not call Kleinman? He tried to do it last night, he might not be entirely stable, but still. Was anyone entirely stable these days?

He picked up on the third ring.

_"Murphy? You never call me. What's going on? Is someone hurt? Is Evan hurt? Oh god what happened to Evan-"_

"Nothing happened to Evan, Kleinman. Did it ever occur to you that I might just want to talk to you?"

_"No, actually. It didn't. Are you sure Evan isn't hurt?"_

"Positive."

There was an awkward silence for a minute or two.

_"Was there a reason for this call or is it just going to be silent?"_

I almost lost it. Just a small thing, and I almost went over the edge. "Fuck. Just, I don't know, talk about something."

_"Alright, well that's specific. I suppose I can tell you about my day or something like that. It was actually pretty boring, besides talking with the police a little bit. They said there has to be someone with me at all times for two weeks. More if my 'depressive behavior' gets worse. Other than that I just watched Netflix and played video games. Why do you want me to talk about shit like this?"_

"Because maybe I just need to hear something," I grumbled.

_"Oh."_

"Oh?"

_"Yea. Oh."_

"Specific."

_"You're not any better, Murphy. Hate to say it."_

"Trust me, I know."

It was a bit silent. Only for a few seconds.

_"You know I was just kidding, right? You're fine, so don't get all self destructive on me or some shit like that."_

I laughed bitterly. "Too late."

 _"Are you high?"_ I could almost  _hear_ him narrowing his eyes.

"I haven't smoked for weeks."

_"Are you hurt?"_

"Emotionally or physically?"

_"Both."_

"Physically? I'm fine. Emotionally? I don't think I've been okay since the sixth grade."

_"Well shit, dude. I didn't know that. I know Evan's at therapy. Did you just... need someone to call or something?"_

"You could call it that."

_"You know what? I'm going to your house. I don't think you should be alone right now."_

Before I could even protest, he had hung up the phone. So as I sat on my bed, knife in hand, I knew I had to make a quick decision. If I really wanted to do this, I had to be fast. Or, I could just wait until Kleinman arrived and do this later.

I didn't know how long I sat on the bed, my fingers twitching around the knife, before I finally made my decision. I held the blade to my skin. My ears were ringing. I couldn't hear a thing.

Until my door was shoved open.

By none other than Larry. Drunk.

He took one look at what I was doing, and he laughed. Then, he stumbled over to the bed, and grabbed my shoulder. He hauled me down to the bed, and wrestled the knife from my hand. He gripped it so tight, his knuckles turned pale. I was pinned under his strong grasp. He held both of my hands down with one of his hands. My wrists were already bruising.

It was especially hard to fight back with one leg broken. I kicked with my other leg, but it was no use. He had me pinned down.

He raised the knife over me. He looked about ready to stab me, but instead, he went down to my leg. My good leg, that is. 

He rolled up my pant leg, and I suddenly realized what he was trying to accomplish. I squirmed, trying desperately to get away. He held me down.

he slowly put the knife up to my skin. Then, he pushed in a little, testing out what it was like. I bit my lip, holding in a scream. I knew I couldn't hold out for long, but I didn't want him to have satisfaction just yet.

He was carving into the meaty part of my calf, so it wasn't the worst place, but there really wasn't a best place to be carved into. 

He carved in little lines, and I couldn't tell what he was carving, by it couldn't be good, whatever it was. 

A scream was ripped from my throats eventually, and when it did, Larry smirked. "You do this to yourself all the time. I don't see how this is any different."

He kept carving. I kept screaming. The pain was almost unbearable. He was carving it big, so that it almost covered my whole calf. 

I clutched at the bed, trying to numb the pain in my leg with pain somewhere else. It didn't really work. My leg still hurt, as did my hands, now. After he had stabbed me, Larry fled the scene. Probably went to some bar to get wasted.

I laid flat on my back. I let my calf bleed. I didn't dare look at it. I couldn't look at it.

My door swung open once again, but this time, it was Kleinman. "Holy shit, did you do this to yourself?" He asked.

I stared at the ceiling. "Well, I'm assumong not, because there are bruises forming on your wrists and ankle, so I think someone did this to you."

I didn't reply to him. I just kept looking up. "Who did this to you?" He asked.

I sat up. There was blood stained on the bed. I looked at Kleinman. "Fuck. Fuck it. It was Larry."

"Your father did that to you?" He asked.

"He was drunk," I said quietly.

"Doesn't make it right. Has he been doing this to you?"

I nodded. I didn't trust my voice. I was not going to cry in front of Kleinman.

Guess it's too late for that now. 

The tears were already down my cheeks by the time I had thought that.

I rubbed at my eyes, trying to clear out the tears. Kleinman sat at the edge of the bed. He gently moved my hands away. "It's okay, you know. To cry."

I choked out a sob. "No one- no one has ever told me that before."

He looked surprised. "It's true. Crying is healthy."

"Well, I cry too- too much," I said.

"There's no such thing as crying too much," he said.

I honest to God, in that moment, hugged Jared.

He let out a small gasp, like he wasn't expecting it, but eventually melted into it. I sobbed into his shoulder, and he rubbed my back soothingly.

Neither of us will ever admit to anyone that that night happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Didn't I say y'all were gonna hate me?? Haha come bother me on tumblr about it @applepieforforever I post trashy things. Its a bit lonely I have like 5 followers. Comments and kudos are greatly appreciated!! Even if it's constructive criticism because I'm trying to be a better writer for you guys!
> 
> Cupcakes and flowers from the heavy rain showers  
>  Sincerely  
>  PMM240


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan cries quite a bit but it's worth it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woah, I'm not dead!!! Yep it's me, again, coming at you with another late update. I've just been busy lately, like real busy. Thanks to all of you who commented, or left kudos, or anything like that. Enjoy the chapter!!

Why did everything have to happen at once? A cluster of events all within a few days. The whole thing with Jared, I felt so bad. He shouldn't- he didn't deserve that. None of them did. This whole thing started because I said yes to Eli.

The thing with Connor yesterday. He hasn't done that for awhile. Maybe two months. Possibly more. He was doing so well, and Larry just  _tore_ all the hard work down. 

We were all shielded by this- this tree. We sat in the shade, having a good time. There was no wrong, there was no trouble. Only happiness. There's the problem. If you can't understand sadness, are you ever really happy?

So when our tree was cut down, by some lumberjack, who was named Eli, we had to learn. We had to learn that this is life, and no one is going to care about your issues. We had to be suffocated with the sudden disappointing feeling that was laid down like a fog. 

All of us had two choices. Let the tree fall on us, let Eli kill us.

Or step into the sun.

Jared, Alana, and Zoe had already made their decision. They already got help, stepped into the sun. Connor and I were left, sitting under the tree. If we didn't act soon, it would fall on us. 

If I left Connor under the tree, I would regret it. If I left, then I would get help, I wouldn't be thinking constant irrational thoughts. I don't have to think about the night anymore. The disgusting feeling, that I didn't want.

I sat on my bed and looked at the clock. It was 8:30 A.M. on a Saturday. Prom was in a week. I assumed I wasn't going.

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_Today is going to be a good day and here's why;_

_Today, you're going to tell mom. You're going to get help, step into the sun. Then, you're going to help Connor, because he needs it just as much as you, and he's in a worse position._

_Sincerely, your best and most dearest friend,_

_Me_

Doctor Sherman didn't even want the letters anymore. She was right, though. They helped a lot. It was like, if I put it down in writing, it was final. It had a sense of finality, and I knew what I had to do when mom got home from work. She didn't have classes tonight, it was Saturday, so she gets home at 6:30.

That meant I had hours to back out of the decision. Hours to worry, and wonder what would happen. Would she kick me out? I hadn't even thought about that. She's going to think I'm disgusting, she won't want to touch me, she won't want to be near me. I don't blame her.

I needed a distraction. Desperately. I couldn't back out, I needed to do this.

_Me: Do you want to come over?_

_Connor: Sure, I'll be over in like ten minutes_

Should I ask someone else? Alana? She probably has a lot of extracurriculars. Zoe I think had jazz band again. So Jared? Yea that would work.

_Me: Hey want to come over?_

_Jared: Sure, as long as I'm 'around people'_

_Me: Well, Connor is coming too, so there will be people here_

_Jared: Okay then. I'll be there soon, acorn_

Soon. Very specific, Jared. I rolled my eyes, even though he couldn't see me. Jared only lived down the street, but he had probably just woken up. Or he had been up all night, one of the two.

I saw a car pull up to my house. It was Connor. Well, it was his mom driving, he was in the passenger side. His leg was still broken. No surprise there.

He still needed his cast for a few months. I ran down to the door, and quickly unlocked it. I waited awkwardly at the door for him to walk up the path. Then, I opened the door for him.

He smiled. "Hey."

I beckoned for him to come into the house. "Hey."

We went into the small living room, and sat on the couch. "Jared's coming over too. I don't know when, he just said soon."

Connor groaned. "Kleinman's gonna be here?"

I giggled. "Yep. He's gonna be here. Is that a problem?"

His gaze turned guarded. "Nope, it's not a problem."

I scooted closer to him. "Hey. What's wrong? I can tell him I'm busy or something-"

"No, you don't have to do that. Nothing is wrong," he cut me off.

"Bullshit."

He looked at me awkwardly. "Evan, swearing? I thought you didn't swear."

I crossed my arms. "I usually don't. Tell me what's wrong, please."

"What if there's nothing wrong?" He asked.

I rolled my eyes. "I already said bullshit to that. You don't _have_ to tell me. It could help if you do, though. It could make you feel better."

"It's stupid."

"It's not," I scooted even closer to him. I put my hand on his. 

"It's my dad. Last night, he was- he came home drunk. No one else was home," he closed his eyes like he was remembering something he didn't want to.

"What did he do to you?" I asked, concerned.

"My leg, the non broken one. He was really drunk, like maybe seven drinks drunk."

I pulled his leg up onto the couch. It was awkward, but this was serious. I rolled up the leg of his skinny jeans (with much effort) and I started to see it. There were red lines scratched into him, they went deep. Etched into his skin was a word. I couldn't tell what word, but it was probably a slur of some kind.

It stretched across his calf, and I could finally see what it said.

It said faggot is big letters. He had to live with that, forever.

I gasped when I saw the whole thing. Tears pricked my eyes, I couldn't help it. 

Someone had given him stitches. "W-who gave you stitches? I thought you didn't k-know first aid."

He mumbled something. "What? You'll have to speak l-louder, Connor. I can't hear you."

"It was Jared, okay? That's why it's going to be awkward to see him, because he gave me fucking stitches after my father beat me up!" He yelled.

I scooted away, just a little. He realized this. "Shit, I'm sorry, I just- my temper- I can't control it sometimes."

"I-I know. It's alright."

He looked skeptical. "It's really not. Maybe I shouldn't be around you- or anyone. I'll probably just hurt them or something."

"That is not true!" I grabbed his wrist. He winced. I looked down to see that all around there were hand shaped bruises.

"He- he held you down?" I asked in disbelief.

"He was drunk. Of course he did."

I pulled Connor into me for a hug. His hands stayed awkwardly in the air for a minute, before he slowly wrapped them around me. "You shouldn't- you should stay h-here for a few days. Tell you're m-mom what's happening."

"Have you told your mom what's happening?"

"I was planning on it t-tonight."

"Good."

I was going to step into the sun. There was nothing that could stop me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's chapter 12, hope you enjoyed!! Now we just need Connor to get help (hmm wonder what's gonna happen next) ;). Come bother me on tumblr @applepieforforever and yes, I'm too lazy to put in a link for it. There's trashy content, if you need another reason. Kudos and comments are always welcome!! Thanks for reading!! Also this is short because I have little time, I'm working on a part two, don't worry. This was more of a filler chapter.
> 
> Flowers and trees from the small honey bees  
>  Sincerely,  
>  PMM240


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's almost at the good part, I promise :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey again!! If you follow me on tumblr *cough* you should *cough* @applepieforforever *cough* then you know I'm not dead!! I was in Boston! And I'm in the car currently, driving back home. Anyway, enjoy the chapter!!

There was a knock on the door, right after I saw what had happened to Connor. I already knew who it was, I didn't need to guess. Jared had been there for Connor last night, and I wasn't.

I really should've been, when I thought about it. He was at his house, getting beat up by his own father, and I was lying through my teeth to doctor Sherman about what a great week I had.

I went to answer the door, but before I could, Jared opened it. “I knew it! I knew you guys were cuddling on the couch, watching a movie-”

He then looked at us. His face went red, not unlike mine already had, as well as Connor. “Oh. Sorry. My bad. Looks like you two aren't cuddling on the couch, watching a movie.”

“Looks like it,” Connor grumbled.

“Wow, what were you guys just talking about? You could cut the tension here with a knife,” Jared plopped himself right down on the couch, on the opposite side from Connor.

Connor and I shared a look, and I saw him give me a little nod. “Last n-night actually. It was very nice of y-you to do that,” I walked over and sat down in between Jared and Connor.

Connor inched closer to me. “It's not a big deal. Feeling like that, like you could disappear, it's not the best feeling when you're alone,” Jared cast his gaze downwards. I shot Connor a look. “He didn't tell me that part, but it's okay.” Connor sunk into the couch cushions.

He looked like he didn't want to be here. Which. Just wouldn't do. “How about w-we go to the mall?” I suggested.

“As long as you're driving, I don't feel like it, and Con here, well, he physically can't drive,” Jared stood up.

Connor groaned and slowly stood up. “One, never call me ‘Con’ again. Two, I've driven with my cast before, it's a special skill of mine, or something.”

I grabbed my wallet, which had around 80 dollars in it. I didn't really have much to use my money on, I didn't really go out with friends, we just hung out at our houses. I got paid working as a junior park ranger, too, even though it wasn't much. “I'm fine with d-driving. Also, Connor, you d-drove that one time because I d-didn't realize you had your cast.”

Jared snorted. “How did you not notice the giant clunky cast?”

We walked through the hallway, and I locked the door on the way out. “P-panic attack.”

Jared stopped and turned to me. He gave me a shocked look. “In school? That hasn't happened for awhile.”

I went to the car and got in the driver’s side, Connor in the passenger side. I really didn't feel like discussing why I had a panic attack in school with Jared. I already was going to tell my mom today, I didn't need to tell Jared, too. At least not now. Oh shoot, Jared is talking, and you didn't pay attention to what he said.

“Sorry, what?” I asked.

Connor’s eyebrow furrowed. “You alright? You sort of blanked out there.”

I nodded. “Yep, I'm t-totally fine.”

Jared looked skeptical, but he didn't question it further. I turned the key, and backed out of the driveway. We were off to the mall. This was good, I mean, friends hang out with each other all the time, right? We were being normal.

“I said,” Jared msighed. “Why did you invite us to the mall?”

We passed a woman walking her dog. It was a very small and jumpy dog. “I don't know, isn't that what friends n-normally do?”

Connor snorted. “We could use a little bit of normality right about now.”

We all agreed. Everything had happened so fast, that the effects hadn't really settled in. We were all in shock, in the phase between shock and taking it all in. Only Connor and I knew the whole story. I'd tell the others, eventually. But not now, not in the middle of it, not when things could potentially be looking up.

We arrived at the mall, and I helped Connor get out of the car. Jared stood there awkwardly. Him helping Connor is apparently a one time deal.

We made our way through the parking lot. I had tried to get a parking space up close, so that Connor didn't have to walk too much, but it was a Saturday at the mall, so that wasn't going to happen. We had ended up parking around 200 feet from the entrance. “Just tell us if you need a break, Connor. We're n-not in a rush.”

He didn't need a break, apparently, because we had reached the entrance to the mall. We had to walk through Macy's to get to the actual mall, and it was pretty crowded with girls trying on dresses for the prom. Their mothers scuttled about, finding dresses in all different sizes and shapes, while they were all in fitting rooms. The girls’ fitting room was so full, they opened up the men's fitting room for them to use. We did good fighting the crowd, because we were suddenly walking through the wide entrance. To the left, there was a pet store, to the right, there was a fancy men's clothing store.

Connor’s eyes lit up when he saw the pet store. “Evan! We have to go see the puppies at the pet store!” He exclaimed suddenly.

He grabbed my hand, and I immediately flinched, but then smiled. Connor was, well, he was happy. I wasn't going to be the one to ruin that, so I walked along with him as he dragged me into the pet store. Jared was close behind.

The pet store was almost empty, besides a few kids looking around. The puppies were yipping and rushing around, looking at the new and exciting visitors. Connor rushed over to the cage, and looked down at all of the cute, fuzzy creatures. All of them stared right back up at us, waiting for something to happen. “Can I pet one?” Connor asked me.

I shrugged. “I'm not working here, I d-don't know, sorry. We can go a-ask one of the employees?”

Jared nodded. “I'll go do it. Evan doesn't like talking to people and Connor has a broken leg, so he should probably walk as little as possible.”

That left us. Connor kept staring at the puppies like they were the best things on earth, and bitch they might be. Jared came back with an annoyed worker, and she looked like she wanted to quit her job. “I hate dogs,” I heard her grumble.

Apparently, Connor heard it too. “You work at a pet store! How could you hate dogs?”

She eyed him warily. “This is a family business. I'm allergic to dogs and cats. Dogs are too jumpy for me, and I prefer not to touch them.”

Connor’s eyes had a murderous glint. I grabbed his hand and squeezed it. The worker looked at us, but proceeded to open the top of the cage. “Take whichever one. The only rules are to not hurt the dogs, or take them out of the store.”

We then all picked up dogs of different kinds and just held them. It was comforting, and the puppies were adorable. There were huskies, and those were probably my favorite. All of them loved to cuddle.

The best part was to see Connor’s face light up. To see him look like he was having fun. Connor loved dogs and the dogs loved Connor. “Too bad Larry won't let me have any,” he had said, in a bitter tone.

We had left the pet store after about an hour of playing with the dogs. The worker girl was upset that we ‘didn't even buy anything!’

You can't buy happiness. That's the saying, at least. We were all a little bit brighter after leaving, and that's what mattered, not the icy glare of a teenage girl.

We walked through the crowded mall, until Jared saw a Lush store, and he immediately ran towards that. “I'll see you guys later I've gotta go see the new bathbombs,” he had cast over his shoulder while rushing away.

_This kid and his bathbombs,_ I couldn't help but think. Connor and I were left alone. Again. “So, what do you want to do?” Connor asked.

I shook my head. “I have no idea. W-why?”

He shrugged. “I don't know. It’s a mall. There are tons of things to do.”

We continued to walk around the mall. What I liked about this mall, is that they tried to make it look like a forest, so there were trees everywhere, and fountains. It made everything more relaxing, more comfortable. The trees weren't very old yet, maybe fifteen years old. Connor and I window shopped for a bit, looking into different stores, and seeing what they had. We talked and talked about all different things. We were passing Starbucks when Connor spoke up. “Do you think you're going to the prom?”

I wrinkled my nose. “Why w-would I go?”

He laughed. “I don't actually know. It's stupid, to think this whole thing started over a dance.”

“Is Zoe making you go?” I asked.

He sighed. “Yep.”

With a surge of confidence, I took a deep breath. “Do you s-still maybe.. want to go with m-me?”

He stared at me. He wasn't answering. I messed up, somehow, why would he ever want to go with me? Why would I ever just assume he wanted to go? He was going to say no, I could tell, I had just ruined our friendship, no no no _no._

“You want to- to go with me? After everything?” He asked.

Oh.  _Oh._ Since I said no before, he thought I didn't want to go with him. “Of course, w-why wouldn't I?”

“You said no before, I don't know why this would be any different?” He asked.

I gently placed my hand in his. “Last time, I t-thought I had a date. I only s-said yes to El- to him to be n-nice.”

Connor looked confused, yet relieved. “So, you want to go to prom. With me?”

I nodded. “That's what I'm s-saying here.”

He had the same look now that he had in the pet store. “Of course I'll go with you, as long as you're comfortable.”

“I don't think there is a s-social event I'm comfortable at,” I laughed.

He looked concerned. “We could always skip it. Don't push yourself.”

“Trust me, I t-think I can handle it,” I said confidently.

He suddenly stopped. “Evan?”

I turned to face him. “Y-yea?”

“Let’s, um, let’s walk the other way,” he said.

“What? W-why?”

He grabbed my wrist. I flinched. “Sorry. Just trust me on this one.”

We sped the other way, weaving through the crowds of people. “Is there an e-explanation behind this? Or are w-we just running?”

“We have to go,” he said. His voice was cold.

“But Jared-”

“Text him and tell him to meet us at the car. We have to leave.”

“A-alright.”

We walked down the stairs and into the Macy’s. Working our way through the crowd, I spotted him. Yep, you guessed it. It was Eli. His name sent shivers down my back, it made me want to be sick. I stopped dead in the middle of the aisle. Someone bumped into my back, but I didn't turn and apologize. Why was he here? Sure, it's a public place, but why is he always here when I'm here. This whole situation really sucked. We couldn't get to the door without passing Eli, and Eli wasn't moving anytime soon. He sat in front of the girls fitting room, looking bored. A girl in a beautiful navy dress walked out. He looked at her, then pulled her into a deep kiss. He was dating that girl.

“C-Connor?” I said quietly.

He turned to me. “It's okay, he's here, but we can pretend we don't see him or something.”

I shook my head. “No, that's- that's not w-what I'm trying to s-say. I'm saying we have to- I c-can't just let her- that- that girl shouldn't h-have to go through what I'm going through. I n-need to tell her about the things he does.”

Connor grabbed my hand. “I don't think you should go over there.”

I pulled away. “I have to h-help her.”

“I'll do it, just stay here, or something,” before I could protest, he walked away.

I raced after him. This couldn't be a repeat of what happened that night on the porch, that terrible night, where Connor got a black eye, and where he got hurt, but now we were in a department store, and not on my porch so the consequences would be worse than a few scratches and-

“Evan? Are you okay? You texted me earlier to go to the car, so I'm here now. Where'd Connor go?” I swallowed nervously.

“He um. H-he went to go talk with- with-”

“Okay it’s okay, just take a few deep breaths. In, and out, in, and out. You've got it, you're doing great!”

I began to even my breathing out a little. “Remember the k-kid who asked me to the prom?”

“I do indeed remember him.”

“That's who Connor is t-talking to.”

Jared tilted his head in confusion. “Why is that such a problem?”

“Because- because I don't k-know what's going to happen! A fight could break out, or something, and I t-tried to follow him, but then I couldn't go over there, I c-couldn't go near him.”

“I don't know anything about this kid, besides he asked you to the prom, but whatever he did to you couldn't have been good. I saw in school how unhappy you were, but I didn't do anything, and I really should've. I'm going to go see what's happening over there, you just stay here, and I'll be back in a few,” with a classic Jared wink, he walked off.

I stood there, silent for a minute. For two minutes. I couldn't wait that long, I needed to see if everyone was okay. So I went towards the fitting room. When I reached the little seating area outside, the girl was still wearing her navy dress. Connor looked mad, his arms were crossed, and I could see his nails digging into his skin. Jared was off to the side, he looked a bit confused as of what was going on. And him. He was in the middle of it all, and he looked mad, but he also looked sad.

Connor approached the girl. “Look, miss, I don't know you. I don't know how long you've been dating each other. But this man right here,” he gestured towards him, “he did things to my best friend. Things that apologies are not enough for. Things that are not okay. I am trying to save you, here in this moment, from what is inevitable.”

She looked up at Connor. “How do I know you're not lying? How do I know that you aren't making all of this up? That you just want to date me, or something, and want me single? How am I supposed to know that?”

I slowly inched towards them. “Look, Cassandra. You know me. You know that I would _never_  rape someone!”

It was silent. I stepped forwards, and took Connor's hand. “He- he didn't say anything about t-that word.”

Connor looked at me like I was insane. Maybe I was a little bit. “Evan, what are you doing?” He hissed.

I shrugged. “H-helping someone. Look, Cassandra, he may s-seem like a good guy, but he- he really isn't. I can't- I shouldn't be d-doing this. I shouldn't be t-talking about this. I feel like I'm g-going to pass out, or be sick, or s-something.”

Connor gently grabbed my forearm and led me over to the bench. “You okay?” He asked.

I nodded. “I just- I just need a m-minute.”

He sat by my side the whole time. Cassandra studied Eli skeptically. “You're right. He didn't say anything about rape.” When she said the word, my breath hitched. I could still _feel_  it.

“You did it, didn't you?” She asked him.

Eli looked guilty. “Yes! Yes, okay? I did it! It was a stupid dare by my stupid friends, who were going to pay me to do it! They said if I could get to third base or farther, then they would pool their money and give me four grand. I needed the money, because I want to be able to afford college! I got a scholarship, but it isn't a full ride scholarship! I still need to pay for things, and my family just couldn't afford it.”

Connor looked ready to punch him. Again. “You did this, you ruined someone's life, for four grand? What kind of _fucking deal_  is that?”

Jared swooped in, right on time. “Hey, guys, as much as I would like to see a fight, we should be heading back home. It's already five.”

Connor nodded. “Okay. Okay. We can go. Cassandra? I don't care what you do, just be careful with him.”

We stumbled out of Macy's. We all made a silent agreement that Jared should drive. Connor and I sat in the backseat, and as soon as we sat down, I couldn't help the overflow of tears in my eyes. Connor pulled me to his chest, and he was warm. I remember crying for awhile, and then, I remember my eyes fluttering closed as I drifted off into a dreamless sleep.

\----------------------------------------------

Waking up on the couch was definitely not the most comfortable thing on earth. I looked over at the time. It was 6:30. Mom would be home any minute now. I felt a pang of anxiety in my stomach. I couldn't do this, definitely not.

Something smelled good. It came from the kitchen. I grabbed a book, and inched closer and closer, holding out the book, ready to throw it. I nudged the door with my foot, and it sprang open. Inside, I heard laughing. “Evan, what on earth?” Connor wheezed.

My cheeks turned pink. “I thought- I smelled something- and mom isn't usually h-home this early, so I didn't k-know what was going on, and maybe there was a murderer, I just d-didn't know-”

“It's okay, I'm not laughing at you,” Connor said.

I nodded. “Okay.”

Connor went back to whatever he was cooking. “What are you c-cooking? How do you know h-how to cook?”

He smiled. “It's been a long day. I made some homemade soup, it's chicken noodle. Also, I learned to cook because my mom always made trash food, so I cooked for the rest of us while she ate her vegan stuff.”

I snorted. “Really?”

“Why would I lie about that?”

I shrugged. “I don't know. Maybe you had a different reason. M-maybe you just like to cook.”

“I do like to cook, but I didn't when I started cooking. I'd either burn everything, or it wouldn't cook through all the way. It was frustrating.”

I walked over and sat on the table next to where Connor was standing. “That's actually very interesting, I'm not lying w-when I say that.”

He nodded. “Thanks. Do you want some soup?”

I shook my head. “S-sorry, I'm not hungry, but maybe l-later. It smells amazing.”

“Maybe I need to rephrase that,” he said. “Sit down and eat some soup because it's not an option, you need to eat.”

“Oh. O-okay.” _Smart response, Evan, way to go_.

 Connor put a hand on his hip. “When's the last time you've eaten a full meal?”

That I didn't know the answer to. I thought back to the prior week. “I-I can't remember?”

He smiled. “That's what I thought. Which is why you're getting extra soup.”

He then poured quite the serving of soup in my bowl. “Thanks,” I murmured.

He smiled wider. “Anytime. Do you want crackers or anything? I don't know if you have them here or no, but if you do, do you want them?”

“I uh, I usually eat them with goldfish? L-like the crackers?”

He whipped his head around to face me. “You do what? That doesn't even sound like a good combination!”

“It really is. You'll have to t-try it.”

He walked over to our pantry and pulled it open. There wasn't much in there, maybe some pasta, cereal, and bread, but that was probably about it. Connor pulled them off of the shelf, and brought them back over. “Here,” he poured some into my bowl.

“Thanks,” I said.

He then poured some into his bowl. “You're actually going to t-try it? You don't have to if y-you don't want to, you know,” I said hastily.

“I want to,” he said. To prove his point, he took a big spoonful and shoved it in his mouth.

“Oh my god. Where the actual fuck do you find these combinations? This is amazing! It definitely doesn't sound good, but it tastes great.”

I shrugged. “I've b-been doing it for years, I g-guess.”

He laughed. “Alright, then.”

After we were done eating and cleaning up, I realized that mom wasn't home yet. I checked my phone.

Mom: Hey, honey! I had to pick up Erica’s shift again, so I won't be home until later. Remember to eat something! Love you! <3

Evan: okay, thanks for lettingf me know.

“Connor?” I said.

“Yea?”

“For the p-prom, we are going as like, dates, l-like, gay dates, as in boyfriends? Kind of, maybe, I don't know,” I said.

“Is that what you want?” He asked.

“Is that w-what _you_  want?” I shot back.

“Hey,” he put his hands up in mock surrender. “Don't turn this on me, I asked you first.”

“Fine. I’d love to go with you as a d-date. As your b-boyfriend?”

“Are you asking or telling?” He smirked.

“Most definitely telling. What about y-you?”

He took a few steps forwards. “I'd love to be your boyfriend.”

“And I'd love to be yours.”

We both leaned in, and our lips met, in a messy, teeth clacking kiss. We broke apart when the front door opened.

“Evan? I'm home!”

Connor slid his hand into mine. “You can do this.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hehe just wait for next chapter!! Follow me on tumblr @applepieforforever (pls I'm desperate)
> 
> Shoutout to @greatesttheauthor bc while I didn't actually send her the chapter to edit, she volunteered! :)
> 
> Comments and kudos are always appreciated
> 
> Trees and spooky seasons from all the right reasons :)  
>  Sincerely,  
>  PMM240


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Really late update but the truth is here and it’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoops this is a month late sorry for the wait ladies and gents

“You can do this,” Connor said.

I could do this. Sure I could. Mom, she's very accepting. She won't kick me out, will she?

_Evan she's going to kick you out and call you disgusting and you'll never get to come back here and see her again and you'll be living on the streets by the time you're twenty and-_

“Evan? Are you there?” Mom called.

I swallowed nervously. “Y-yep! I'm in the dining room, Connor's h-here!”

“Do you want me to stay? Or should I leave? It's up to you,” Connor said, getting up off the couch.

I felt anxious shivers run up and down my body. I wanted so _desperately_ for him to stay, but I knew that he should probably go. “You can go. I-I'll be fine here. You know, b-by myself.”

I heard footsteps walking down the hallway. “Did you boys eat dinner?” She asked, stepping into the doorway.

I nodded. “Connor m-made soup. There's some left if you w-want it.”

She looked at us skeptically. “Okay, well, you boys have fun, be safe! I'll be in my room if you guys need me.”

I stopped her. “Actually, mom, Connor was j-just leaving, weren't you?”

He nodded. “Yep. I forgot that I had some, uh, some homework that I needed to finish. I'll text Zoe to come pick me up.”

I shot him a deadly look. _Homework_? I mouthed.

I saw him shrug.

I felt goosebumps run up and down my arms. The rush of cold was surprising, and I shivered. Was it cold in here? It was May, so probably not, but it felt like January. I waved to Connor. “See you l-later.”

He waved back. “At school on Monday. I'll go wait for her outside”

I nodded. My palms were sweaty and clammy. “Sounds like a p-plan.”

He turned and walked down the hallway. His footsteps echoed, and the door creaked open and slammed shut. I stood there for a minute, just thinking.

_How does one phrase this situation?_

Mom stood in the hallway still. _Now’s your chance, Evan!_ I thought to myself. We both stood there, sort of staring at each other. We stood there until Zoe's car came and left the driveway. We stayed like that for a while. Until mom piped up. “How was the mall today, sweetie?”

I didn't actually mean to start crying, but everything just came crashing down all at once. When there's too much pressure behind the dam, you can either let the water out slowly, or let the pressure build up until the dam breaks. This time, the dam broke.

Mom came swooping in, I remember her putting her arms around me and leading me to the couch. Time wasn't a factor in my mind, because I couldn't think about how long I spent, sitting in the arms of my mother, crying my eyes out. I was a senior, graduating in about a month, and I still went and cried to my mom.

_How pathetic you are, Evan Hansen._

Mom always smelled of cinnamon and fresh laundry. Somehow, even though they seem so different, they manage to blend together and smell nice. I burrowed my face into her shoulder. She held me and rubbed my back as the tears spilled from my eyes.

After a long while, my eyes felt like there couldn't possibly be more tears to fall. So I sat there, next to mom, who probably wanted some sort of answer to the unexpected meltdown.

She turned to face me. “Did Connor do something? Did he hurt you somehow?”

I almost laughed. Almost. “D-definitely not.”

Mom tilted her head. “I'm not going to push you to tell me, but I know this wasn't for nothing. You're upset about something, and I can tell it's important. If I can help you in any way, I want to know how.”

I shook my head. “I don't- I don't even k-know where to start.”

She smiled warmly. “Start from the very beginning.”

The very beginning. Simple enough, if you know where the beginning actually is. After a minute, I thought I knew where a good beginning place was. “L-last summer, do you remember how I b-broke my arm? I fell out of a t-tree.”

She nodded. “I remember.”

“I didn't- didn't fall out of the tree. I-I was so unhappy with myself, so sick of m-myself that I l-let go. No one would talk to m-me at school, besides Jared, who, at the t-time, told me he was only friends with me for his c-car insurance! I just thought that no one would m-miss me or anything.”  
  
She was crying too.

 _You made your own mother cry, nice job Evan_.

“Oh, honey, I didn't know,” she pulled me close to her. “I should've known- I should've seen that you were hurting. God, I'm such a bad parent-”

I cut her off. “N-no, mom. You're a great parent. You w-work so _much_ so that I can go to c-college, and have an amazing life. It's not your f-fault that you didn't see how I felt, or what I w-was doing to myself.”

She pulled away so that she could look at me. “Somehow, I still feel like I should've known about this, that this was happening to you.”

I shrugged. “How c-could you know if I didn't t-tell you?”

“There are signs, small signs, but signs nonetheless,” she choked back a sob. “You didn't- you know- attempt anything else after that, did you?”

I shook my head. “After that f-first one, I met Alana, Zoe and C-Connor. All of them helped me a lot, especially Connor. He f-felt the same way I did, except he was w-worse.”

Mom sighed. “I had no idea about Connor! Sure, I had suspicions, but I didn't think they were true.”

I nodded. “His p-parents- well, his dad actually, he d-doesn't believe mental illness is real, I guess. He thinks k-kids just do it for attention. And he- he threw out Connor's m-meds for depression, I think he was t-taking Cymbalta? I can't be too s-sure, though.”

She shook her head. “That poor boy, he doesn't deserve to have parents like that. His mother seems nice, I think she just doesn't understand him. His father, on the other hand, excuse my French, but he's just an asshole in general.”

I giggled. “He r-really is. He doesn't believe in so many t-things, like mental illness, or the LGBTQ community. He doesn't even l-like the fact that Connor has long hair, which is s-stupid. All he does is get drunk and g-go to work, really.”

Mom's face went pale. “He drinks?”

I nodded. “He drinks every n-night, according to Connor.”

She stood up. “That's not healthy.”

She walked around quickly, like she was looking for something. “I know. Alcohol poisoning-”

“No, that's not what I'm talking about. It's not healthy for the family, for his children, his wife. Is Connor clumsy? Does he often come to school with a story about how he got bruised or scratched-”

“M-mom, Connor isn't clumsy.”

She found what she was looking for. A phone. “Is he an artist? Is he good at makeup?”

“W-what? Why do you need to know if h-he's good at makeup?”

She started pressing buttons on the phone quickly. “Just answer the damn question, Ev. Is he any good at makeup or art?”

I nodded. “Yea, he um. He l-loves art. I still don't understand-”

“Shit, the phone just died. Can I see your phone? Quickly?” She sped over to me and held out her hand.

“What's going on? Can't you just t-tell me?” I stepped back.

She sighed and rubbed her temples. “Look, I know this might sound crazy, and I don't have much evidence besides what you told me, but Connor's father might be hurting him. Physically, emotionally, I don't know. But if you know anything about this, you should say something-”

“H-his father. Larry. He hurts Connor, I know because Connor t-told me. Larry hits-” I let out a sob. “He h-hits Connor, and Connor isn't safe in t-that house. Larry only hurts him when n-no one else is home, so Cynthia doesn't k-know about it, and neither does Zoe. All of them s-see the verbal abuse, though, and they n-never do anything! They just let Larry yell at Connor, s-scream at him about how bad of a son he is, until Connor can't take it anymore! He n-needs help, mom. I don't know w-what to do.”

Mom nodded and rubbed my back soothingly. “It's okay, Evan, you're alright, you did the right thing. Is this what you're upset about?”

I shook my head. “That's n-not even the start of it. It's only a small detail, compared to the whole t-thing!”

She led us back over to the couch. “Okay. Okay, it's alright. How about I call CPS, then you text him and tell him to stay the night here, and you can tell me the rest of the story, alright?”

I handed my phone over to her. “Alright.”

She took the phone and dialed a number. She walked away when she held it up to her ear, leaving me silently crying on the couch. Maybe Connor would be here for the night after all. I didn't even know what she was going to tell CPS. That Connor's dad could be abusive? Something like that. Mom knows now, and Connor will get out of there. He won't have to deal with Larry anymore.

I could hear the distant chatter of mom on the phone. She really knew how to handle these situations. Maybe she should become a psychologist or something, instead of a nurse or a paralegal.

_You know, maybe she should, she already knows how to handle all of your shit._

I pushed that thought out of my head. Not today, not now, with those negative thoughts. I already was contemplating not telling her about some of the things that had happened. I knew that I should, but the pangs of guilt, and the shivers of nervousness were almost too much. I felt sick. Like bring-your-lunch-back-up sick.

Knowing what was coming, I ran into the bathroom and knelt over the toilet. I started gagging uncontrollably. After about thirty seconds, I could feel the acid run up my esophagus, and whatever I ate today spilled out. It was absolutely repulsing. I flushed the toilet and shakily stood up, bracing myself on the counter. I turned on the tap. The water was cold, but I rinsed my mouth with it anyway. I rinsed about twenty times, until the taste was just barely there. I picked up my toothbrush and brushed my teeth thoroughly. The one thing I hated, was throwing up. Colds, fevers, ear infections were all fine. Stomach bugs, however, were disgusting.

“Evan? Are you alright?” Mom knocked on the door. I didn't respond. “Can I come in? I texted Connor for you, he’ll be here soon.”

I nodded shakily. “Y-yea. Thanks.”

The door opened slightly, Mom's head poking in. “Did something happen? Are you okay?”

“I was j-just sitting on the c-couch, and then I was s-sick,” I inched towards the door. She opened it wider.

“Okay. It's alright, I know how much you hate throwing up. Do you feel like you're going to do it again?” She placed a gentle hand on my back.

I shook my head. “Probably n-not.”

She led me back to the couch once again. “I'm going to get you a bucket anyway.”

Mom rushed into the kitchen, and I heard some cluttering. Then, the doorbell rang. Mom cursed under her breath. “That would be Connor. Do you want to get the door, Ev?”

I nodded, but realizing she couldn't see me, I mumbled a quiet “sure.”

I stumbled my way to the door. I was a bit dizzy after throwing up, and it was a bit hard to stand. I leaned against the wall as I opened the door. “Hey again,” Connor said.

I smiled. “H-hey. Guess you are staying the n-night after all.”

Suddenly, someone was behind him. I nearly jumped when Zoe walked through the door. “What is all of this about? Why is it so important he stays the night here? Why did I have to turn around so suddenly?”

Her accusing finger was pointed right at me. I took a stumbling step back. “I d-didn't mean to start anything. I j-just- my mom-” I took a deep breath. “She knows about Larry. So, s-she called CPS, and they're dealing with h-him. Please don't b-be mad.”

Zoe put her finger away. She nodded. “You did the right thing, then.”

Connor looked me up and down. “You're a mess. What happened?”

I chuckled humorlessly. “When am I n-not a mess? Also, I s-sort of kind of m-maybe. Threw up?”

Connor took my hand, and I felt my cheeks heat up a little. “I'm not saying you're not a mess, but don't think of it that way. Think of it as, I don't know, you're getting better. Healing. Not a mess that needs to be cleaned up.”

Zoe made a face. “Didn't take you for the cheesy type, Connor.”

Connor stuck his tongue out at her. “Didn't take you for the cheesy type, Connor,” he mocked.

I laughed a little. Zoe looked at me. “S-sorry.”

“No, you can laugh, it's funny. Don't apologize. I'll just be on my way, then.”

Connor grabbed her wrist. “Zo, you shouldn't be there with him. Not alone, at least. Without me there, he's going to be angry, and he could hurt you.”

I agreed with Connor. “You can stay the n-night too.”

Mom was then in the hallway. “Welcome back, Connor. And Zoe. Both of you, come in. We can discuss matters in the kitchen. I'd like some answers.”

Connor and I looked nervously at each other. Zoe was a little confused. We walked through the hallway, Connor on his crutches, me a little dizzy still, and Zoe not knowing what was really going on. We all sat at the small table with four chairs. Mom went back into the kitchen, with a small “I'm making some tea,” cast over her shoulder.

Connor looked surprisingly relaxed for the situation. He was leaning back in his chair, legs crossed, arms crossed. Zoe was leaning forwards on the table. They were more comfortable in my own house than I was. I sat up straight, hands folded in my lap. Connor looked me up and down again. “It's going to be alright, you know. This may be hard, but you're doing the right thing.”

I put my clasped hands up on the table. “It just d-doesn't feel right. I don't think I'll b-be able to say it.”

He leaned forwards and placed his hand gently on top of mine. “How about this. If you can't say it, then I'll say it. Sound good?”

I let out a hum of agreement. The sensible part of me knew that everything would be alright. The anxious part of me was screaming _nonono she's gonna kick you out shesgonnakickyouout._

_What a time to be alive._

Connor and I were still holding hands, and I could tell Zoe was skeptical. She probably could tell from miles away that we were dating. Her raised eyebrow was most definitely not the problem right now, though.

Mom came back in with some tea and teacups, from her collection. She put out cream and sugar in the middle of the table. Zoe took some sugar and carefully poured it into her tea.

“So, what exactly is happening here?” Mom asked, sitting down in the empty chair.

She sat directly across from me. Connor to my right, Zoe to my left.

When no one answered, she spoke again. “Look, if this is about what happened to Jared the other night, I get it.”

Connor and I shook our heads. “Ms. Heidi, that's only a part of a whole story. There's a lot more to say.”

“Well, someone can either say it, or we sit here until the sun comes up. Either way is fine, quite honestly. I'm not trying to be pushy, but this is not going to be good, I can tell already,” mom said.

We sat there for a few moments, the only sounds being traffic outside, and tea being stirred. Feeling a bit brave, I spoke up. “It started about t-two weeks ago. Jared drove me to s-school like normal. When I got out of the c-car, there was a crowd forming. Someone was being asked to p-prom. That someone, turned out to be m-me.”

Mom’s face lit up. “You got asked to the prom? How wonderful!”

Connor leaned onto the table a bit. “That night I broke my leg. It was scary for me, I can't even imagine how bad it was for Zoe.”

She let out a little snort. “It was terrifying. His eyes were all glazed over. He was- he clutched the wheel like it was his life source. I can still- still see the speedometer rapidly increasing. But, I understand why he did it, and I understand that he's trying to be a better person.”

Mom nodded. “Alright. I think I'm starting to get it, maybe?”

I almost laughed. Almost. Except the situation was not funny at all. “It's a b-bigger story. It gets w-worse.”

“Yea, that wasn't really even related to what we’re talking about,” Connor chimed in.

Mom took a sip of her tea. “I'm listening, but you're gonna have to give me more to work off of.”

I sighed shakily. It was now or never. “The n-night after Connor broke his leg, the guy who asked m-me to prom took me on a d-date. The whole thing w-was terrible. He made fun of m-my anxiety, and stuttering. I thought I c-could give him another chance but-” I paused.

Was I going to say it? Did I want to say it? Did I have to say it? They were all waiting expectantly. Connor traced soothing circles into my hand. He looked at me, concerned. Do you want me to?  
He mouthed.

I shook my head. I had to do this. It was my problem to start with, I was going to finish strong. He didn't need to take care of my problems, I wasn't a baby.

“When we got b-back into the car, he asked if I w-wanted to go back to his house. He s-said his- his parents weren't home. I d-declined, but then I fell asleep in the c-car. He took me back there anyway. We went up t-to his room, and- and-”

I furrowed my eyebrows, trying to figure out how to phrase it. Should I be blunt? Would she get it if I wasn't blunt enough? God, why the hell not. It had to be said somehow.

“We had sex. And I d-didn't want to but he kept insisting that all c-couples did it and I'm s-sorry I really didn't want t-to but I couldn't stop him he j-just-”

“Woah woah woah, wait a minute,” Zoe said. “He raped you? That kid from the football team, what's his name, Eli?”

I cringed at the name. “W-well, I mean at first I thought that c-could only happen to girls, but Connor told m-me that it could happen to anyone, anywhere, at anytime.”

Zoe pointed a finger at Connor. “ _You_ were in on this?”

He reluctantly nodded. “He needed help getting away. The guy had a tight leash on Evan, and I could clearly see Evan wasn't happy.”

During this exchange, mom had stayed quiet. She was probably mad. _She was going to kick me out I knew it I really did._

She looked up from her cup of tea. “Why didn't you tell me?”

The words were not what shocked me. It was her tone of voice. It wasn't mad, not even disappointed. It was just tiny, like she thought her own son didn't trust her. Of course, that wasn't true, but that's what it seemed like.

“I-I'm sorry,” I looked down to my lap like it was the most important thing in the world.

She stood up and placed her arms around me. They fit like a puzzle. “Don't be sorry, honey. The other kid, he's the one who should be sorry. For doing that to you. We need to- to bring you to the hospital.”

“The h-hospital? Why?” I asked, confused.

She looked at me, eyes wide. “As much as I hate to admit it, we need to make sure he didn't give you anything, like an STD or something.”

I shrunk back into my seat. “Is- is that really n-necessary?”

She nodded. “Unfortunately it is. It's nothing to be embarrassed about, though.”

_Nothing to be embarrassed about, yeah right._

“That's not the end of the story, though,” Connor said.

Mom dropped her keys. “It's not?”

“There's n-not too much more though, so d-don't worry,” I cut in.

Mom came back and settled into her chair. She poured herself some more tea. She must've been so tired, it was almost midnight. And now, we apparently needed to go to the hospital.

_This is all your fault, you're the one who said yes to him in the first place, you're the one who said sure at the end. You're the one who started this, Jared wouldn't have been close to killing himself, Connor wouldn't have had a black eye, the Instagram account wouldn't have been created. Everything would be normal. Or, as close to normal as it gets._

“-an? Evan can you hear me?”

Oh. Connor was talking.

“Yeah, I can h-hear you,” I muttered.

I felt a warm presence in my hand. It was Connor's hand. “I asked you if you wanted to keep talking of if you wanted me to tell the rest.”

I debated that in my mind for a little. I started it, I should be the one to tell it. At the same time, I was so tired, and I didn't want to cry anymore.

“C-could you maybe tell it? You d-don't have to, though,” my voice got quieter as I went.

“I wouldn't have asked if I didn't want to. Not that I want to do it, but I'll do it if you don't want to.”

Zoe groaned. “Stop flirting already and one of you just ask the other out. My god.”

That got a couple of laughs from Mom.

Connor’s eye twitched, and I squeezed his hand. I could see he was agitated, he hated being laughed at, especially by his family.

“Fuck off, Zoe,” he growled.

Zoe put her hands up in surrender. “Okay, alright, sorry, it was a joke.”

Connor laughed bitterly. “Apparently I just can’t get the joke, then. Tell me, Zoe, what is so funny about Evan and I dating? Why is that a joke? Are you homophobic, like Larry? Did he put you up to this?”

He rose from his chair, and so did I. “Connor, it’s alright, he’s not h-here, he’s not going t-to hurt you anymore.”

He shook his head. “No one knows that he won’t, he could be drinking right now, trying to come find me. He could hurt mom- I didn’t even think about that, he might hurt her, he might stab her, or hit her. He could be driving right now.”

Connor was crying. He was sobbing. We were still holding hands, so I pulled him in to hug him.

Mom spoke. “Why would Larry stab your mother? Did he ever stab you, or try to stab you? You don’t have to answer, I’m just wondering.”

Connor took a step closer to me. “My shoulder,” he sniffed. “Then my leg, too. My good one, not my bad one.”

Mom carefully stood up and walked around the table. She placed her hand on Connor’s back, and asked if she could remove his jacket. He said yes, that he didn’t care anymore. He was wearing a grey tank top with some band logo on it.

And there it was. Big, bold, red letters, spelling out the lie that he’d have to live with for the rest of his life. Mom had gasped when she saw it.

“Is it okay if I touch you?” She asked.

At first, he shook his head, but after a few seconds, he nodded.

Mom gently ran her hand over the marked skin. It didn’t look too good. It was still red, and it looked almost blistering.

“Doesn’t it hurt?” Mom asked him.

“I can barely feel anything anymore,” Connor replied almost instantly.

I let a few tears fall at that. Everyone was crying, all for different reasons. He couldn’t feel pain. At this point he’s been so hurt, so scarred that he couldn’t feel it anymore.

“It looks infected. Do you know if he used a clean knife?” Mom asked, almost regretfully.

Connor shook his head. “I don’t know. He was very drunk and I- I don’t like talking about it.”

Mom apologized for asking, and making him talk about it. She then walked away quickly, saying she was looking for some sort of disinfectant.

Connor sat back down carefully. So did I. We scooted our chairs closer together, and he put his head on my shoulder. I tentatively put my arms around his torso, and he was shaking. Thankfully, Zoe didn’t say anything. She still didn’t say anything when I pressed my lips to his forehead, and whispered that it would be alright.

“I was about to kill myself,” Connor whispered.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“That day, when he found me. I was- I had a knife, in my hand, and I- well I held it up to my skin,” he was shaking even more now. “Then he walked in and- and he saw it, and he went downstairs but told me to stay there. I think he- he got a knife from the sink.”

“You don’t h-have to tell me,” I rubbed his back.

“But I should! You tell me everything, and I don’t tell you shit about what happens.”

I sigh. “You probably wouldn’t know s-shit about me if I didn’t tell you things m-mid panic attack.”

He managed to laugh, a real, genuine laugh. “I love you.”

I froze. The only person who’s said that to me is my mom, and him. I tried to think past him, but it was still so soon, and we’d only been dating for an hour or two.

Realizing what he had said, Connor looked panicked. “You don’t have to say it back, I just wanted you to know, because you’re the only person who can calm me down after I have an outburst, or if there’s something going on, and we haven’t been dating for a long time but even before that I did-“

“I t-thought rambling was my t-thing,” I said.

His face heated up. “Sorry.”

“I love you too.”

The first time we were in this situation, I had blurted out that I loved him. This was different, because we were actually dating, we had the right to tell each other that we loved them. Before, it was just put on the table, all or nothing.

Mom came back with a small bottle of something.

“Disinfectant. It will sting, but that looks infected.”

So, she got a cotton ball, and put some of the liquid on it. I held Connor’s hand. Mom blotted the cotton ball over the markings. Connor didn’t even wince. He didn’t squeeze my hand.

Once Mom was done, we all sat back down again.

“So,” she said. “Is there an ending to this story? Or can we get going to the hospital?”

I nodded. “There’s an ending.”

So, even though originally Connor was going to tell her, I told her in the end. About the Instagram, which she wasn’t too happy about. About the fight between Connor and him. The panic attack in the bathroom. Even me asking Connor to prom. She was proud of that. I told her about that day, at the mall. I told her about Jared trying to kill himself. There were tears and some smiles, but in the end we were happy.

Connor and I, together, stepped out of the way of the falling tree, and into the sun.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There it is!! From here on out it’s gonna be less angst, but there will be moments. There might be a surprise next chapter ^*^ maybe not though. I hope this was good, it’s not my best work even though I’ve been working for a month. Bother me on tumblr about it @applepieforforever and I hope you all had a great thanksgiving if you celebrate!! If not, happy random Thursday!
> 
> Spooky seasons and rainbows from the cell block tango (cuz who don’t love Chicago?)  
>  Sincerely,  
>  PMM240


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The prom is here :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We have 100 kudos. I’m dead. This story is almost over. Thank you all, it’s been a wonderful time :)

The trips to the hospital were behind us, and so were many things. Tonight, we were going to forget it even happened. Tonight, was about us, just Evan and I. Tonight, was the prom.

I had never imagined that I would go to the prom. Ever since about the seventh grade, I thought love was hopeless, that prom was just a stupid dance that people dress up for. I hadn’t figured out I was gay, back then. I had only heard the term as an insult, to many people. Including me.

Then came the crushes. Of course, there were boys all around. With bright blue eyes, pretty hair, strong forms. Of all people to like, it had to be Charles Smith. The annoying jock who was nice, but he walked around with the wrong crowd. He was just about the only person who was nice to me back then. Kleinman was still an ass, Evan was nice but he followed Kleinman like a sick puppy.

_James, Charles, and Walter all walked together around the basketball court. I sat on the swing, lonely, but with my sketchbook. I was drawing a nearby flower. The three of them creeped up, but I pretended not to notice. Maybe if I ignored them, they would go away._

_James seemed to think it was a fun idea to grab my sketchbook. The only things I had drawn were landscapes, since the book was fairly new._

_“Hey, give it back!” I said._

“ _No. Not until you admit it,” he replied._

_“Admit what?” I asked._

_“That you’re a freak with anger issues, and that your sister doesn’t even like you,” he said while laughing._

_Walter had taken my book and flipped through it. He started ripping out the pages._

_“Please, no!” I yelled._

_He ripped them out anyway. Charles stood off to the side, his eyes filled with guilt._

_“Charles, you want in on this?” James asked._

_He shook his head. “You should leave him be, James.”_

_James snorted. “Why would I do that? He doesn’t learn his lesson that way. I bet you tomorrow he’ll sit on this swing, and draw pictures of little boys on the playground, because he’s so gay.” He pushed me over as he said that._

_“Because, the lunch aid is looking over here right now, and you don’t want to be sent to the office again. You’ll be suspended,” Charles pointed in the direction of the school._

“ _You’re right. Come on, let’s go. He’s not worth our time anyway,” James marched off. Walter followed._

_“I’ll be there in a minute,” Charles called to them. I still sat on the ground._

_Charles picked up my sketchbook and handed it to me. “Sorry about them. They’re idiots.”_

_“Why do you- why are you helping me?” I asked him._

_“Because, I’m not like them. I just hang around because we’ve been friends since kindergarten or whatever.”_

_Charles moved at the end of that school year. At the end, he gave me a slip of paper, with his phone number. Along with a note. ‘In case you need help, or they’re bothering you again. Please call me if it’s too much, or anything.’_

I gripped the little piece of paper in my hand. Would he still have the same phone number? Would he care if I called him? Would he still know who I was? Having friends who were busy sucks. Alana, Zoe, and Mom went to the mall to get hair done for prom. Evan went to his therapist. Kleinman was at some convention. Larry was just- no. He was currently living in a motel. Heidi was with Evan.

 _They’re all too busy for you. No one would care if you just faded away, flickered out. Like a candle. You’re exactly like a candle. Know why? People are afraid of your flame, they think you’ll tear the house down. They touch you, they go near you, and you hurt them. You burn them. They shouldn’t be around you. They could all get hurt_.

I didn’t know that I had pressed the call button until it was ringing.

It rang a couple of times, then someone picked up the phone.

“Hello?” It was definitely a young male. Could it be? Is it actually Charles?

I took a shaky breath. “Is- is this still Charles?”

“Depends who’s asking. Who is asking?”

I coughed. “You may not remember me, but um. It’s Connor. Connor Murphy, and you gave me your phone number way back in the seventh grade, when I was such a loser, and quite honestly I don’t know why you gave me your number in the first place but you did and, well, here we are now.”

“I did? Man, seventh grade me was smart. You were cute.”

“I uh, have a boyfriend.”

“Yea, same.”

There was a silence for a minute.

“Any particular reason you were calling?”

I want to die. I don’t want to be alone. All my friends are too busy for me. Everything is too much.

“Connor? You alright?”

“I broke my leg,” I blurted out.

“Oh shit, really? Like right now you broke your leg? Because I can call an ambulance-“

“Around a month ago. Sorry, should’ve told you that. I guess I just- needed someone to talk to.”

“I get it. Do you want me to come over?”

I thought for a moment. “That would be nice.”

“Text me your address and I’ll be right there. I only moved like a school district over.”

“Thanks.”

The call ended.

I could survive a few minutes by myself. It would be okay. I laid down on my bed. I didn’t feel like getting up, or moving. I just wanted to lay there forever. I wanted to see Evan, and hold him, and protect him from the world.

_No, Connor. Evan is at therapy. You can not be so selfish and interrupt him. He’s telling his therapist about everything, and you can’t do that to him. Stop bringing him down like that. All you ever do is just drag people down, you never do anything important, you just-_

I clutched my head and let out a screech. The thoughts were getting worse. I still didn’t have my meds or anything.

I crawled over to the window. His car wasn’t here yet. I just wanted someone, anyone, to come distract me from this. Well, not anyone. I never, ever, want to see Larry again. He’s such an asshole. Other than that, I’d take just about anyone. Hell, I’d take my old pot dealer, even some guy off the street.

I forced myself to stand up. Not a good idea. My blood rushed, and the world spun for a minute or two.

I took a couple stumbling steps towards the door. When was the last time I drank water? Or ate? Or do anything except cry and scream and sleep? Probably a few days. Today is Saturday, so that makes the last time I ate two days ago, at lunch on Thursday.

_Jesus, you need to eat more. Look at how scrawny and thin you are. Evan won’t want to date a twig._

Sometimes, I really hated myself. I was my own worst enemy, unless you count Larry, or Eli. My brain just constantly slipped into this mode of self deprecating behavior. It was most definitely not fun.

A car pulled up to the driveway, it was a beat up black Mazda. And there he was, getting out of his car, exactly how I remembered him. Jet black hair, tan skin, pale blue eyes. Unlike Evan’s eyes, because his were light crystal blue. You know, Evan is definitely cuter. _What did I see in this guy in seventh grade?_

 _Oh right,_ I thought, _he was the only person to be generally nice to me._ Suddenly, he was at the door, and I was scrambling down the stairs as fast as I could go with my crutches. Which, was not very fast, but I was trying. I was also a mess. I had thrown my hair up in a quick ponytail, and I hadn’t showered since Thursday. When I opened the door, he looked me up and down, and smiled.

“You’re still cute, but I still have a boyfriend and so do you,” he said, upon entering the house.

“Um, thanks?” Was that a compliment? Or not? I led him through the front hallway, and into the living room.

I sat down on the couch, and he sat next to me. “So, what have you been up to for the past six years?” He asked me.

I could have said a lot of things. Like, I’ve been making friends, I’ve been getting better, I have a boyfriend. Something like that.

“I’ve been hanging out, you know, nothing much. What about you?”

“Dude! It’s been years, there has to be something. Also, I’ve been playing football, even got myself a scholarship.”

“That’s great! Which college is it?” I asked, with actual enthusiasm.

“It’s this small college up in New York. It’s called Paul Smiths, and it’s a great college for environmental sciences.”

Woah. Wait a minute. There couldn’t be too many Paul Smiths colleges up in New York. This had to be some sort of coincidence.

“I think my boyfriend is going there, it’s up by the mountains, right?” I asked.

He nodded. “That’s cool. Maybe I’ll see him there. What’s his name?”

“Evan. Evan is his name. His major is forestry.”

Charles nodded. “Mine is environmental science. Maybe I’ll have a class or two with him.”

“Yeah, that would be good. He has social anxiety, so it would be good for him to have a familiar face,” I said.

“That’s chill. So, you never answered my question. What have you been up to these past years? Besides your boyfriend,” Charles asked.

What to say? I can’t just pour out all of my emotions, he’ll probably freak out and run away. I can’t talk about my dad, or my fucked up family. He said not to talk about Evan, so that’s that.

“I’ve still been doing art. Painting, drawing, sculptures. I’ve won a few statewide competitions, but they’re not really that big of a deal. I know I most likely can’t make a living out of it, Larry used to tell me that all the time. He’d say I should just go into business, like him, and that the arts are a waste of time,” I took a deep breath.

“It seems like this Larry guy isn’t the best,” Charles said.

I snorted. Then I started laughing. Charles looked confused as of why I was laughing so hard. Larry was a jerk. Such an asshole. But I didn’t have to deal with him anymore.

“My parents are getting a divorce,” I said calmly.

Charles frowned. “Man that sucks, I’m sorry.”

I shook my head. “It’s because of me.”

He tilted his head, confused. “I can assure you, it’s not your fault.”

“No, you don’t- I shouldn’t have brought that up, I don’t want to drag you down into my problems, you’ll probably think I’m such a freak afterwards and run away, and I’ll just keep spiraling down into this depressive hole that I can’t get out of-“

“Then explain it to me. I’m not going to run away,” he said sincerely.

Could I? _Should_ I? He said he wouldn’t run away, but saying and doing are two very, _very_ different things.

I sighed. “Larry is my father. I refuse to actually call him that, because, well, he isn’t the nicest person. Not very accepting of mental illness, or the LGBTQ+ community. He didn’t like me. He liked my sister, Zoe. But he had a lot of anger, and he chose to take it out on me, if you know what I’m saying.”

Charles went pale. “I’m so sorry. That must’ve sucked.”

I nodded. “It really did. He was a main part of the roots of my BPD. Oh, that’s another thing. I’m bipolar. Apparently that’s part of the reason I threw a printer at Mrs. Galvin in the second grade. I saw a therapist for awhile, I even got medication, but Larry threw it away, and he cancelled every appointment I had.”

He sighed. “I’m sorry about that too. About everything, actually. I saw that Instagram. I knew who it was behind it. But people- they’re really a bunch of idiots- and they think they’re joking around. But, it’s really not funny. At all.”

I nodded in agreement. “Of course. I don’t know what kind of wicked sense of humor they have, but it’s not okay to do that. It’s especially not okay to do that to Evan, who did nothing wrong. He’s as innocent as a butterfly. He wouldn’t hurt a thing.”

“Definitely. So, with that aside, what are you doing today? Isn’t tonight your prom? Shouldn’t you be getting ready?” He asked.

I looked at him in disbelief. “It’s ten in the morning.”

He shrugged, like he didn’t really care. “Never too early to get ready for prom. Did you get Evan a corset?”

I nodded. “It’s a wrist corset. Linum usitatissimum. Or flax. It’s blue, to match his eyes.”

He snorted. “Never thought you were the romantic type.”

“Never thought you were the snarky type,” I shot back.

We laughed for a little while. It felt good, to just talk and laugh with someone. Without their lives being at risk, or without something major going on.

In the back of my head, I knew, that nothing was going to magically get better. It wasn’t going to be like after one therapy appointment, I was good to go. I wouldn’t be normal for awhile. Except, normal is just a concept. A concept humans made up. There is no normal. There isn’t a guidebook, or anyone telling you exactly what normal is.

I knew I would never be like that. I wouldn’t ever be popular, part of the crowd, or in on the jokes. I would always be an outsider. A loner. A stoner. A freak, if you will. God, I hated that word. More than anything. It reminded me of my place in the world, who I would always be.

Until I met Evan. He seemed to feel the same way as I did. That day, in the computer lab, I read his therapy letter. Sure, it said something about Zoe, and at first I was pretty mad, but I could see myself in him. I wasn’t just going to pass up that opportunity.

I wish I was a part of something.

Well, so did I. So I signed his cast. I became his friend.

My mind focused back on the present.

Charles had launched into a story about this time his friend got hurt in a football game. Apparently, he was in the ambulance with his friend. I don’t know why they would let Charles go into the ambulance, but they did.

After the story, we decided to start to get ready. Charles wasn’t going to the prom, but he was going to help me get ready.

I’ll spare the details, that day was between Charles and I. No one else. Even though I told Evan. But I tell him anything and everything, so it doesn’t really count. By the end of the day, I had my hair braided, my nails painted black, some makeup on (even despite my protests), and my tux. Which was a plain black one. With a black tie. It actually looked good.

So, I grabbed the corset from off the table, where I had put it earlier, and I got ready for when Evan would be here. We had both agreed to eat dinner beforehand, neither of us wanted anything fancy. We also agreed that if it was too much for either of us, we would both leave. He would be here any minute now.

I glanced outside. Sure enough, nervously waiting by the door, was Evan. I opened it, and couldn’t believe my eyes. He was wearing a dark blue tux, and he also had dark blue flowers carefully weaved into his hair. He was wearing a little bit of makeup, but not as much as I was. Mine was visible. His was not.

“You look..”

“Terrible, I know,” he chuckled.

“Stunning. Wonderful. Amazing. Cherubic.”

His blush was visible. “Well, so do you.”

I sighed. “Did your Mom do your hair?”

He nodded. “She even got the flowers when I was asleep.”

I laughed. “Sounds like something she would do.”

He looked behind me, to where Charles was standing awkwardly. Charles offered a little wave. Evan, confused, waved back. Charles stepped up.

“Wait. This is your boyfriend? You didn’t tell me that Evan was Evan Hansen. I know who he is, stupid. You acted like I wouldn’t.” “Well, I didn’t know if you’d remember,” I laughed.

“You look familiar, but I c-can’t quite remember your n-name,” Evan said quietly.

“Charles. Charles Smith. I went to your school until the eighth grade, because then I moved a school district over.”

“He was also the only person who talked to me in seventh grade. The only person who would associate with me,” I added.

“My so called ‘friends’ were also assholes to you, but really they were just coping with their problems the wrong way,” Charles said.

“N-no offense, but why exactly is he here?” Evan asked.

I nodded my head towards the dining room. Evan seemed to get the message. We walked into the room, and closed the door.

“Connor, what’s going on?” He asked.

I sighed. “Tonight is prom. When I was little, I never thought I would go to prom. In middle school, I didn’t think I was going to make it to prom. It just brought back all of the memories, all of the things that made me think that. I thought that this dance was something for football players and cheerleaders. Maybe somewhere teens could inappropriately dance with each other. I was wrong. Prom is a night to remember, a night to celebrate, that we made it through high school. We remember all of the good times, and the bad times. That’s why, Charles is here. Because I was sad and I remembered how he was nice to me. Plus, everyone else was busy getting ready, and you had therapy.”

He stood there for a minute. “That was- that was amazing. I didn’t think you were a poetic person. I was wrong. I’m glad you called someone, instead of just dealing with it.” I smiled.

We wrapped our arms around each other, and stood there for a minute or two. It felt nice, to hold someone, and be held by someone.

There was a knock on the door. Charles’ muffled voice sounded. “Not to rush you or anything, but if you don’t hurry, you’re going to miss the prom.” So after a few more seconds, we let go.

Evan grabbed my hand. “Ready?” He asked.

I nodded. “Let’s go make some memories.”

We spent a little while taking pictures, because Mom would absolutely kill me if I didn’t. Zoe and Alana were getting ready at Alana’s house, but we told Mom that we’d take pictures at the dance. She seemed happy about it.

We arrived at the dance a little late, because of traffic. We already had our tickets, so we showed them quickly and went inside.

Prom isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. A DJ, some snacks, a dance floor. Some tables set up. You could either dance, or socialize. Most people chose to dance. Evan and I sat down at a table, waiting for Zoe to arrive with Alana and Jared.

When they did, we took lots of pictures. Hell, I even took pictures with Kleinman. We were having a grand old time. We danced, we sang along to some of the songs, we recalled good memories.

Then it was time to announce prom king and queen. They told everyone who ran to go up to the stage. Eli was up there. So was that girl from the mall. I guess they were running mates. Now, they didn’t talk to each other, didn’t look at one another.

Our principal walked up to the podium. He started talking about what a good class we were, that we were all going off to do amazing things in the world. Then it was time to announce the king.

“The class of 2018 prom king is…. Eli Sherman!” He announced. “My god. Who would even vote for a douche like him,” I whispered to

Evan. Evan smiled a bit. That was good. He was smiling. The principal kept talking for a little bit, while Eli stood up there awkwardly. His running mate rolled her eyes, she probably didn’t want to have to dance with him. Sucks to be her, because running mates always win together.

Well, not always.

“I’m happy to announce that the prom queen this year is…” he unfolded a piece of paper. “Evan Hansen?” The room was dead silent.

I gripped his hand. He was shaking. Time seemed to move in slow motion. Evan carefully let go of my hand, and walked up to the stage. The crowd parted as he walked past. If Eli wasn’t uncomfortable before, he was definitely uncomfortable now. God, I hated him. What did Evan do to deserve this? Absolutely nothing, that’s what. Evan got up onto the stage, and he wouldn’t look away from me. I gave him an encouraging little thumbs up, and he nodded.The principal urged him to step forward, and say a few words.

So he said a few words. “F-first of all, I don’t know what kind of joke you think this is. Whoever did this, fuck you. Secondly, there have only been four students who have been nice to me here. You know who you are. Thank you. And lastly, I’d like to say that I am not dancing with the prom king. He’s rude, and a fucking rapist.”

And then he walked down the steps. It was silent. Eli’s running mate clapped. Then I did. Then Zoe, Alana and Jared. Then the whole place erupted with noise, people were clapping and cheering. Evan looked at me sheepishly. I tried my best to convey the look ‘I’m proud of you.’ I don’t know if it worked or not.

So, now all of us were out from under that falling tree. We were done with that whole forest. So as in revenge, Evan had struck a match. He placed it carefully by the tree. And man, did that tree burn. Our flame was so tall, so strong.

No one could put out our flame, even if they tried.

 _No one, not one of us_ , deserved to flicker out. And now, we all understood.

_Everyone matters._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love each and every one of you for reading, commenting, and everything. You matter. Please know that. :) 
> 
> My tumblr: @applepieforforever
> 
> Next chapter is the epilogue. 
> 
> Rainbows and snow from the story I started so long ago.  
> Sincerely,  
> PMM240


	16. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The last one, man.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s the epilogue, and it sucks, but I couldn’t think of anything else. Anyway. Thank you all, because I couldn’t have done it without all of the positive comments and kudos. :)

Today, was quite the eventful day, you could say. For me, Hannah Murphy, every day was eventful. Today, however, topped the usual day. My junior year of high school was going well, I had all A’s, I had a wonderful group of friends. Nothing seemed out of place.

Both of my dads were doing alright. They were doing great, actually. Ever since they adopted me at the age of seven, they’ve been fine.

They were the best people in my life. Sure, friends were good to have around, to hang out with. But both of them can relate to almost anything, besides cramps. They couldn’t really relate to that. Even then, I had my aunt Zoe. And both of my grandmothers.

But today, I was asked to the junior prom. By a kid on the football team. He made a poster and followed me around, throwing rose petals at my feet, until I accepted his offer. His name was Jackson. He seemed nice upon meeting him, but I know for a fact that he has touched girls before. Without consent. I couldn’t say no, though, so now it looks like I’m going to prom with him.

Now, of course my friends knew I had gotten asked, but now it was time to tell Dad. Apparently, both of my fathers went to prom together, but whenever I asked them about it, neither of them would talk. They just said it was a normal prom, they danced and had fun.

I could tell they were keeping something from me. I may be stupid, but I’m not blind.

I unlocked the house with my spare key, and called into the hallway. “I’m home! Anyone there?”

Dad peeked his head out from the office, with his strange long hair, he said that he had it like that since high school. “Hey, Hannah banana, how was school?”

That’s another thing I love about them. They constantly have nicknames for each other. Dad used to call father acorn, but they still won’t tell me why. They said it was a ‘high school thing,’ and ‘ask uncle Jared.’

Jared wasn’t really my uncle. He was just a really close family friend. He’s father’s best friend.

“Good, in science we made something explode, but you said you hated chemistry, so I’ll spare you the details,” I replied to his question.

He hummed in response. “That’s good. You can have a snack and start your homework, I have a shift at the library later, but your father should be back before I’m gone. But who knows with him?”

I walked into the office, and Dad was reading a book. Not surprising. He was a librarian. He also ran the art camp sponsored by the library during the summer.

Father was a park ranger. He got to go around, giving facts about trees to random people, and giving tours. His tours were fun. I’ve been on many of them. He likes to make scavenger hunts for the kids. When I was little, it was my favorite activity.

“Yeah, you can never be too sure with father. He could come home in the next five minutes, or the next five hours,” I laughed.

He laughed along with me. The thing was, we didn’t have a father daughter normal relationship. We were best friends. All three of us were.

“Hey, what’s for dinner?” I asked.

I wanted to put off telling them for as long as possible. But then I would feel guilty for not telling them sooner.

“I was going to make stir fry. That sound okay?” He asked.

“As long as mine has extra broccoli,” I said.

Broccoli was my favorite food. I loved it.

“You think I don’t know what you like in your stir fry?” He gasped in mock offense. “I thought you knew me better than that.”

I laughed. “Why didn’t you ever join acting?”

His smile dropped. “I don’t know. It would’ve been fun. I guess teenage me was so focused on being angsty.”

I snorted. “Angsty teenage Dad is my favorite kind of Dad.”

He smiled and shook his head. “I’m just glad you aren’t like _me_ when I was your age. Smoking pot, painting your nails black…” He trailed off.

I tilted my head in confusion. “What were you going to say?”

He shook his head rapidly. “Nothing. It’s nothing.”

I didn’t believe him for a _second_. But I went with it.

“I was asked to the prom today,” I blurted out.

He looked at me, eyes wide. “Really? Who is it? Is he nice? Or she? Or them? We should have whoever it is over for dinner some night.”

I laughed. “It’s this kid named Jackson. He’s on the football team. He seems nice at first but…”

“But?” He asked. “Sweetie if there’s a ‘but’ involved I don’t think that this is the best idea.”

“He assaults people. Like girls. It’s just what he’s known for. He wouldn’t stop following me until I said yes.”

Dad’s face paled. “Break up with him. Block him. Don’t talk to him. Please don’t go with him. Go with some friends instead. Also, tell your father about this, don’t keep it from him.”

I nodded. “Since when do I keep things from either of you? Also, I wasn’t planning on going with him. And I know about consent, and I would say no.”

He shook his head. “Sometimes on the heat of the moment, it’s just hard. To say no.”

I nodded. “Okay.”

It was silent for a moment. But it was a comfortable silence. “I was going to say hurting yourself,” Dad said.

“What?” I asked.

“When I said I’m glad you didn’t turn up to be like me as a teenager. I was going to say hurting yourself,” he said.

I caught how his eyes darted to the left.

“Dad?”

He looked up. “Yeah?”

I offered a smile. “I’d tell you if I ever felt that way.”

He smiled. “Good. That’s very good. I just- I was in such a bad place at your age and I don’t want you to feel- to feel like you’re alone in this.”

We had had this conversation before. “I don’t feel alone. I have you, father, both grandma and grandmother, aunt Zoe. Aunt Alana. Even uncle Jared. All of you. And I have friends at school.”

The front door opened and closed. Hard. Father didn’t get mad, ever. So it couldn’t be him. Maybe it was, though.

“Connor!” The voice yelled.

Dad flinched. It was father. “What did you do?” I hissed.

He laughed. “I might’ve told him to get home early because something important came up.”

I could hear father walking through the hallway. “What’s so important that he has to come home early? What did you tell him was happening?”

He smiled his signature smile. “You’ll see.”

Father stomped through the door. “There you two are! Why did I have to come home early? You made it sound like the house was on fire! Or that my mom died or something! What’s going on?”

Dad’s face turned serious. “Why don’t we discuss this at the table?”

I didn’t understand what was happening. Were they getting a divorce? I hoped not. I don’t think that they would, but they could always fight when I’m not home. What if that’s what it is? They’re leaving, they’re going their separate ways?

We all sat at the six person table, for when we had family dinners and game nights.

Dad looked to father. Father looked at Dad, confused.

“It’s time to tell her, Ev.”

Oh god oh god. They were so serious.

“Now? Of all times?” Father asked.

Dad just nodded. “She got asked to the junior prom. Someone like him. It sounds like Eli.”

Who? What was going on? They seemed to have a silent conversation. Eventually, Dad won the argument, because he started to talk.

“The first time I was asked to prom, it wasn’t by your Dad. It was by a football player. His name was Eli,” father took a shaky breath.

Where was this going? What was he doing? Dad put his hand on top of father’s, a thing he did when father was stressed.

“Eli, at first, was nice. He took me out on a date. This was around the time your dad broke his leg. So after visiting him in the hospital, I went out with Eli. Soon, I realized he wasn’t the person he seemed to be. He was criticizing how I stuttered, and I almost couldn’t order for myself. He didn’t know a thing about mental illness,” father was breathing a little faster, but then his breathing slowed down.

“After that date, he- he offered to go to his house. He said his parents weren’t home. I said no, of course. But then I fell asleep in his car. He made me go back to his place with him. And we got up to his room, and by that point there was no- no escape. So, I tried. I said no. But nothing worked. Either way, he raped me.”

And that. That was not what I was expecting. At all.

“That spiraled into a whole other mess, but here’s my point. If that boy who asked you, if he touches other girls, refuse. Say no. Its okay to. Because, sex is supposed to be enjoyable. To this day, I still- it just- I can’t do it. I’m not able to. It’s something I want you to be able to experience,” father said.

I wasn’t sure who was crying at this point. Father might have been crying, I could’ve shed a few tears. Dad was, too.

So, the very next day, I walked into school. I walked right on over to Jack. He looked at me, and I knew exactly what I had to do.

I had to break his heart.

Well, maybe not, he might’ve just been trying to get in my pants, and I would be nice about it. So hopefully, it won’t end up too bad. It shouldn’t, anyway.

“We need to talk,” I started. I didn’t let him respond before continuing. “I know what you do, and have done to other girls before. So, therefore, I do not feel comfortable going to prom with you. So I’m not. Bye.”

I didn’t wait for his reply before walking away. I went to go sit with my friends in the cafeteria before school started.

Father said that there was a whole story that they wouldn’t get into the details of. Of course I wanted to know the story, but I wasn’t going to press for information. So, I sat with my friends, Melissa and Victoria. We talked and gossiped. It was normal.

Father and dad. They would tell me whenever they were ready.

And in the meantime, I’ll just have to wait and see.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can’t thank you guys enough. If you have any questions or concerns, about anything, here’s my tumblr: applepieforforever.
> 
> Stay safe, and have a happy holidays!
> 
> Sincerely,  
>  PMM240 (I figured you’ve had enough of my bad rhyming)

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed chapter 1!! Comments make my day but pls no hate. I do take constructive criticism but if you're just being mean I'm not about that so I'm deleting the comment. Also know that no matter how long it takes for this to update, know that I always will. I've been planning this out for awhile so I'm not going to just abandon it. <33
> 
> Peace and love from the skies above  
> Sincerely,  
> Pmm240 (hey it's an abbreviation for my user don't judge)

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Only Us](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12838659) by [Eshisakka](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eshisakka/pseuds/Eshisakka)




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